Gigantic Zucchinni's

Goatmeal Cereal

I know someone who takes a sharpie and puts a "G" in front of the word oatmeal on her morning cereal. For giggles.

Hihowarya?

After "hi" sometimes I forget to say nice things to people when I talk to them on the phone before I launch into the reason why I'm calling. Things like "having a good day?" and "what's the weather like where you are?" Some of my family find this trait annoying and most find it hilarious. My only redeeming quality is that my "hi" is usually "hi how are ya?" or "hi how's it goin'?" Yesterday I realized that when I met a German person I said "hihowarya."

Snow White

The people here are super funny -- the internet is still a magical place. Today I had three hysterical voicemails when I got back to my desk from the server room but one of the younger guys had already dealt with the lady who's outlook was as she called it "possessed" or she needed a new keyboard -- turns out she'd had a freak-out so bad this guy had gone to help her deal -- she was swearing and mashing her hands on the keyboard but nothing would come up on screen...

White font.

Yep.

True story.

How to quit your job: a primer

1. Pull the fire alarm daily.
2. Eat other people's lunches. In front of them.
3. Steal money.

How not to quit: hand in a reasonable resignation letter and get sent back to your desk to "really really think about it." Then, after lunch, go and reiterate your desire to leave and get sent home "to really really think about it" overnight.

At my parents

M: I get the phone because no one cares to answer it and it's my grandma's half-sister's cousin's daughter whom I've never met on the phone to ask if I'll go out with her son.
A: Yup, been there, done that!
M: It's not like we're related or anything... Oh wait. YES IT IS.
A: Well you gotta keep it in the family! :)

On my crackberry

I'm in Home Depot with my dad and there's all this annoying, repetitive tapping/hammering going on. I peek through the stock to see what is going on and it's a group of Asians building birdhouses. It was funny, is all.

Servers

I called for help this week and was sent probably one of the smartest Server guys a person could hope for. We ended up building a server from parts to be quick about it. To be perfectly frank: I got to install the CD drive and he built practically everything else.

At some point he was looking for pliers in my toolkit and not finding any, mentioned that I needed to go get some -- so I dug around in my purse and pulled out my little tool and he was quite astonished by that magic. A while later when we were plugging in the new server into the rack he needed a mirror and a flashlight to be able to see where he was plugging it into. Neither of which I had.

"Really? You have pliers in your purse but no makeup compact?" Hehehehe, yup.

So we made do with the back of a CD and a lighter.
In a server room, that inexplicably has no redundancies.

Shepard's Garden

Driving down 66th Street past the fire hall with a classmate he points out the Shepard's Garden high rise under construction. Recently, he informed me, he had looked at buying a place in this new high rise but they didn't seem to be for sale only for rent. Astonished I informed him that they were an extension of the seniors' manor and lodge next door and they were definitely only available to old people. "Hm, that makes sense, they had a nurse on staff 24/7 and you could take your meals in the cafeteria..."

FAIL

To truly appreciate the joke here you might need to click on the picture to see it full sized. Notice the caution sign on the left hand side in particular...

What is a negative number?

Lunch and learn instruction on General Ledgers:

Q: What is a GL? Otherwise known as a general ledger? Well, to understand GLs we have to first understand negative numbers. What is a negative number? I'll draw it like a ladder with steps going up...
*draws*
Well actually, it's more like a hill... with steps... going up...
*erases* *draws*
Well actually, maybe it is more like a ladder...
*redraws*
There! Now you need to understand negative numbers to understand Debits and Credits, for when you take money out of one account you can wind up with a minus, but really it's a plus somewhere else, or it could be one of several plusses and minuses in several GLs even if it's still a plus or minus in your account or a minus or a plus in several GLs!

Clear as mud?

It's funny how you can tell when people are explaining things that were difficult for them to grasp so they have little understanding that everyone else might have understood negative numbers when they were introduced to us in Grade 2 and when GLs were covered in Accounting in High School. By very latest when you had your own bank account with overdraft coverage you understood debits and credits. It really IS like a hill! You keep working and working like you're trudging up a steep hill but you keep getting further and further behind, the first step is your overdraft, the second is your credit card, the third is your...

Q: How can I make an ugly car uglier?

A: Stick beads on it!

Smells like a horse with the hiccups

At a hotel in Calgary this weekend we were waiting for the elevator when some loudly chatting Germans came in to the lobby to wait with us. They went on talking about downloading their pictures of their adventures to their computer, completely oblivious that we were in fact spying on their conversation. I remember being impressed because they spoke a certain elegant slang and when I turned around to gawk the woman was Asian. It's surprising, that's all.

We all get on the elevator and as they're getting off the woman complains to her friend "I can't wait for a shower! I smell like a horse!" and added as an afterthought "... with the hiccups!"

My cousin and I couldn't even look at each other until the doors completely closed after which we translated the hilarity for the others in the elevator.

At the wedding reception in the evening we told this story at our table to the absolute astonishment of the rest of our cousins. One of which is a trail riding guide who confusedly informed us "...but... horses don't get the hiccups!" And the laughter exploded again.

Wedding fun

I found this hilarious site that deliberately misspells everything.

Girls = $$$

Went to a wedding this weekend and got into a discussion with some people.

Guy #1 remarks "man, it sure is expensive to date, girls cost so much money."
Guy #2 "you got that right man."
Guy #1 now bolstered says "yeah, it's at least a hundred bucks every time you take one of them out."

Me, thinking I've been royally gypt, pipe up "What? A hundred dollars? What kinds of girls and where are you taking them??"

Guy #1 "well dinner and a movie, that's a hundred bucks. More depending on how much of a good time you want to show her."
Guy #2 with an eyeroll glumly responds "Dude, it's more like thousands."

Exactly what is wrong with you?

My classes are overfilled with international students, some of which speak English fairly well but most speak very poorly and have minimal comprehension. Being a fairly strong student I normally get lumped into groups with the strugglers. Teachers hope that being such a joy to have in class means I'll take it easy and explain a few things the slower ones can't grasp. One such particular bright light has been in an ongoing group project with me. I'm slowly starting to get sick of him as he talks really sl-ow-ly and shows no signs of improving his language skills.

When he asks "what does documentation mean?" I explain it, he argues and tells me what he thinks it means instead. Then we have this long discussion on what I say it really means and I finally tell him to look it up in the dictionary where by he finally grasps my exasperation and says that we'll go with my definition since I'm a native speaker but he still doubts what I said. Fine! Doubt away! As long as we're going with my definition... I don't really care!

His jumps in logic are immensely difficult for someone like me to grasp, a discussion about the impact our project would have on a business launched a discussion on how important he thinks recycling batteries is and how our project should incorporate battery recycling. While battery recycling is important, our project is IT related and not much in an IT shop runs on batteries... excepting maybe a flashlight or two in case of power outages.

So then on Monday we're discussing odd interview questions such as "if you were a piece of lettuce in a salad and were stabbed and about to get eaten what would you do?" The instructor loves those kinds of questions and said she would ask each one of us which kind of book we could be and which kind of animal we would be, starting with my little friend. Excitedly he exclaimed he would like to be a dog. "Why would you want to be a dog? What kind of characteristics does a dog have that would be important for you to have in a job setting?" "Because I like the dog!" Ok, so now you see my problem.

Continuing the instructor asked, "Not just because you like dogs but what kinds of characteristics or traits does a dog have that you can apply to yourself in a job setting?"

"Umm.... uhm... I dunno. Maybe in...? in...? ins...? inss...?"

I piped up "Instinct? Are you thinking of instinct?" I hadn't thought of instinct, but that is a good trait. The teacher thought so too "oh wow," she exclaimed "insinct, dogs have instinct! Very good! Now what else?"

"NO! Not instinct! Not instinct! Ins... in... how do you say it? ins... ins...?"

The teacher lost interest in what had turned into a painful exercise and moved on. I however got a post-it note shoved into my face and he stage-whispered "how you say this word??"

Insane

"Insane? You think dogs are insane?!!" WHUT? Granted, some dogs might be. Generally though puppies are loyal, friendly, helpful, and lovable. There are a few parts of this exercise this guy didn't pick up on: the fact that this was an interview question, that you'd normally try to put your best foot forward, that in Canada most people generally like dogs.

Office 2007 Training

From my sister:

Just had an orientation training session. The instructor, who has a long reddish/blond pony tail and a twirled handle bar moustache began with: "You will experience the full gamut of human emotion. You have paid for the entire seat, but you will only need the edge."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The gift that keeps taking...

M: "I'm in home outfitters buying a wedding present. If the marriage doesn't last the year will they give me the toaster back?"
A: "Oh probably, so buy a nice one!"
M: "But I already have a toaster! I don't need another one!"
A: "Hmm... that's a problem."
M: "How about I buy them an electric toothbrush?"
A: "See the problem with that is batteries. I have one and it requires new batteries every couple of months. It's the gift that keeps taking..."
M: "Perfect!"

Baloo the bear

On my way to school after work I drive through a neighbourhood across the river from downtown that is a good neighbourhood, but getting older. Generally it's yuppie type couples and university students in this area, with a few staunch older folk holding out in their own homes.

Today on my way I was stopped at a very long light and noticed a guy, might have been drunk, passed out across the street at the lamp post -- either passed out or sleeping on the grass. While I'm waiting for the light he stands up to the best of his ability and realizes there are five lanes of traffic intersecting that he could be entertaining. This particular intersection and that particular lamp post he was leaning up against had a crosswalk button, a big yellow button the size of a fist... I forgot to mention that this guy had taken off his shirt and was waving it around like a flag to draw more attention to himself than a half-naked, wobbly-on-his-feet-guy normally would receive at half-past four in rush-hour traffic. After sufficient attention was drawn he turned his back on the big yellow button and... scratched his back up and down the way Baloo the Bear did in The Jungle Book. I could hear the laughter pouring from many car windows.

Here's a tip for all of us: never, never press the cross-walk button with your fingers.

The techs are on it

In the hallway: four computer tech people huddled around a fax machine wondering why it won't go or if it already did. Fax machines aren't really their thing after all, so they're nervously standing about clicking their pens click-click-clickety-click...