Twitch!!

So one of my new roomies has a twitching problem. Check out this video to find out what kind of twitching problem...

Thursday afternoon geek club

I love my geek club. Love it. I like the people in it. A lot. They are fu-masters and I secretly want to be just like them.

See the thing is this

Despite the fact that you tripped down the stairs at Telus Plaza because you were wearing an ugly hat, the thing is that I'm on my cell phone. You do not have to be annoyed at me for being on the phone when you are trying to explain to me that you tripped. I get it. Your hat is ugly, you tripped and crashed into me but I'm on the phone, so go away!

so NOT a morning person

It really picks my butt in the mornings when people are deliberately trying to pull information out of you when you give one word answers. I'm sure they're thinking "sheesh, why is she so difficult?" The answer is: I'm sleeping standing up and you're freakin' annoying.

Chipper person: Hiya! How's your day starting out?!
Me: fine.
Chipper person: So, what'd you do last night!?
Me: nothing.
Chipper person: Ha ha ha, I'm sure you didn't do nothing all night long!
Me: ok fine. I did laundry.
Chipper person: Hardehar! It sure does pile up, doesn't it!? Sooo, got plans for tonight?!
Me: nope.
Chipper person thinks: sheesh, why is she so difficult?
Chipper person says: ha ha, yeah, sometimes it feels like we just need time to do nothing, doesn't it?!
Me: yup.
Me thinks: for crying out loud I hope this convo is over...
Chipper person: so are your Grandma's still at your parents?
Me thinks: ...dammit!
Me: yup.
Me thinks: why is people's last conversation resort ALWAYS about my grannies?
Chipper person: oooh, they must be quite old already. That's so hard.
etc...

And that is why I want to stick people with forks.

Loogie

Zipped across the street to grab a sandwich at lunch and zipped back to work... while I was coming past the Starbucks our CEO was just spitting the biggiest loogie on the sidewalk. He looked up and recognzied me as staff... I hope he also recognized the drop dead look on my face.

I'd expect more from the CEO of a government commission, but hey, I guess I'd be wrong -- he confirmed he's really nothing more than a farmer.

More emails

As more and more people are turning to their friend google for help and advice I'm noticing more and more emails to our webmaster account. It had been infrequently and usually people my Mother's age who I know aren't as discerning about privacy matters, but lately (I'm inferring from their emails) a few younger people have contacted us with no regard for keeping personal information private.

The best part is that these people send in sentences that are entire paragraphs of disjointed thoughts. I very much enjoy reading people's crazy emails.

Boob check

Ever wear a shirt you're kind of falling out of and while you're checking to see if something is hanging out someone compliments you on the shirt? It's like being caught in the act of checking oneself out. They're probably thinking "what a weird chick, you know, those things are attached, they're not going anywhere..."

And then this morning someone else almost ran me down in the hallway and while I was processing her outfit thinking "is she wearing a sack??" she said to me "oh, I love your shirt!"

"... uh thanks! I like your..." jumpsuit? dress? sack? "ensemble too!"

Ha! Take that, a nice French word to cover up the obvious faltering!

Iced Cap

I had no idea, but a colleague of mine can use an Iced Cap from Tim Horton's for a whole afternoon of fun.

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Maria
Sent: Thursday, June 14, 2007 2:24 PM
To: T
Subject:


if she doesn't put that straw down right away I will scream.

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: T
Sent: Thursday, June 14, 2007 2:24 PM
To: Maria
Subject: RE:


Is she squeaking it against the hole in the lid? That's annoying.

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Maria
Sent: Thursday, June 14, 2007 2:25 PM
To: T
Subject: RE:


yes and slurping, and poking around so makes a noise against the bottom of her cup. all afternoon since LUNCH.

Passive Agressive

I must admit, I do this:

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

Crazy

I think it's a sign of my colleague going crazy -- she has been talking to herself in her cube like someone is with her at all times since she got here. She refers to herself as "the new girl" but really she's been here since October. And since October she's been talking. She'll discuss things with herself, swear at the scanner, tell whoever she just hung up the phone with to "f@#$!!yerself" and today she told someone loudly "Don't ask! Just don't even ask!". But she was alone. It sounded like she was writhing around on the floor -- she does that occasionally, but there was no one in the pod with her and only me in the entire pod farm, so who was she talking to?

Sometimes all of us in the pod farm dream about someone yelling out "OK, one, two three -- lob!!" and we'll all lob our coffee mugs over into her cube at the same time hoping someone gets lucky and beans her. There are about 10 of us who'd like this. A lot.

-----Original Message-----
From: Maria
To: IS - All Staff
Subject: Kitchen news

Hi all,

Please note: this week's kitchen slaves will not be scraping the food and cheese off, or washing the dishes currently located in or around the sink area. If you left your used dish unattended in the kitchen this afternoon, shame on you. Kitchen slaves tidy up, but do not wash the dishes.

You'll be happy to know that this week's kitchen slaves will be sorting out the fridge on Friday afternoon. Please make sure your food is not past the expiry date, or it will be tossed.

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: K
To: Maria
Subject: RE: Kitchen news

wow... harsh :)

<3 K

-----Original Message-----
From: Maria
To: K
Subject: RE: Kitchen news

I like to think it was assertive. Hmm, that's 2 harshes to 5 funnies, so far, and one "can you get people to stop eating my lunch?"

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: K
To: Maria
Subject: RE: Kitchen news

excellent tracking...

Guilt works

I went to the jewelry party. I liked some stuff. I bought some things.

For shame...

Swipe 3 times

An email today --

6th Floor Facilities: To book the space please email the Property Manager with all the pertinent information. Then to obtain the pass card please come and see me. I have an Access Card for both the "Classroom" and one for the "BoardRoom". Each card will get you into the main door of the Meeting Room Area itself as well as the particular room that you have booked. One swipe will get you in and the door(s) will lock behind you. If you want the doors to stay open for others coming through, you must swipe three times! In turn, when you leave for any reason (washroom break, lunch etc) and you want it locked simply swipe three times again and it will stay locked.

Every day I find facilities management extremely hilarious. This is complicated, and their emails outlining procedures become more and more convoluted every time something new comes up.

I think a good instruction would have been:

You put your right hand in, you put your left hand in, you swipe three (3) times, then you turn your self around! That's what it's all about!

My buddy Sean came up with an even more clever set of instructions:

To paraphrase an old AM classic:

Swipe three times on the doorway if you want me,
Oh, twice on the pipe, if the answer is no…
Oh my sweet thing, (swipe) (swipe) (swipe) means you’ll meet me in the boardroom,
Twice on the pipe (knock) (knock) means you ain’t gonna show.

Secretaries

Our nitwit Executive VP sent out his congratulations on company-wide email about his secretary moving on to a new position as a secretary in another department. This woman is one of the most professional and beautiful women I know -- thoroughly competent and absolutely gracious. At the very least the woman who has held his hand and done everything (short of picking up his dry cleaning) for him these past six years deserves to be recognized as an Administrative Professional.

Colour printing

So the deal is that if you're a manager, you get to colour print. If you are not, you have to apply for special permission to colour print.

This means that a bunch of crap like PowerPoint presentations (oooo!) and pictures of kids (snore) and pie charts (are you kidding?) get printed out in full blazing colour because managers around here are generally asshats.

I don't even print in black and white, so I don't really care, but it chokes me that someone upstairs decided peons wouldn't be discerning enough to decide what is worth printing off in colour but a manager would.

WHY?

Why in this day and age of Youtube, why oh why do people still send actual files to your email and clog up the work emails??

I count 3

Much like the tupperware party of yesteryore, free trade jewels and hand bags are the sales party of the 2000s for the socially concious and upwardly mobile DINKs. In the 1990s it was candle parties, followed by expensive cheffery and kitchen gagetry and I even was forced to attend lingerie parties. I never believed it would happen but I've now long since hit the age where some of my friends are turning into the scam artists I know my parents friends were. I used to promise myself after being dragged to Tupperware, Watkins, and Amway parties as a kid that I would NEVER participate in the horror of guilting your friends into coming over while they were determined not to spend money on a charlatan's products but eventually caved so that the friend/host could spend X amount of "free" money on whatever useless junk the party happened to be centred around. Parties of any kind especially where you make your friends pay for stuff they don't need is a really terrible idea. Anyhow, this just comes up because in the last two days I've gotten 3 invites to the same woman's parties. Who admitted she likes the idea of making 11% commission for "doing, basically, nothing."

Slow down ladies!! I only can be guilted into going to so many parties...