Meeting minutes

Here are the take-aways from my last meeting:

• I'm sitting next to a woman wearing at least a can of hairspray on her head.
• Q: Why is she wearing that much hairspray?
  A: Side ponytail.
• Q: When is the last time a female should get away with wearing a side ponytail?
  A: Grade 6.

Halp!

When I start a new document, why does it automatically start in Times Roman? I prefer the default to be Ariel.

 Ariel is a mermaid. Hope that helps!

Warm again

Sad times when the guy spraying insulating foam into my house asks in surprise "you live here alone?" and then remarks "awe, sad, that must be lonely."

"What? No! Well, not really, now that it's going to be warm in my house again."

Thanks Random Spray Foam Guy, for putting my life into perspective.

Happy birthday snowman!

Found this guy on the way home... looking blissful & relaxed in the park.

Lunch

"What can I get you?"
"A beef samosa please."
"What kind of samosa? We have six, vegetarian, cajun, beef..."
"Beef please."
"Okay, one beef samosa."

Glad I'm not the only one who doesn't listen to everything people say.

New employee

Occasionally we'll get a name that we can't pronounce or we may not be sure of the spelling. Today we asked: How do you pronounce your name? 

Brain.

No Pinky. Just Brain.
Braaaaaains!

A good skill to have

Arranging attractive meat and cheese platters. One of my few redeeming qualities.

Helpful help

Computers and knitting. Two things I'm good at. How do you respond when someone asks you for help and then this happens:

ZOMG!! Need HALP! Terrible things have happened! This is the worst! I can't go on!
Oh no problem, I can help you with that. Let me have a look at it.
Look, I'm going to set this thing on fire unless you help me right now!!!
Ok I'm looking at it right now. I can help you with it but I need you to stay calm so I can show you what has gone wrong and show you how I'm fixing it.
Seriously, unless you are actually going to help me right this minute I'm going to go strangle some other human being! I'm soooo mad at this!
This is not the end of the world and it is quite fixable. Here, let me show you.
NO!! I'm too mad, I'm just going to throw this thing out the window!
Ok, well then I guess I don't need to fix it for you before you throw it out.
NOOO!!!! I need you to help me!
Sure, that's no problem, I'm going to do this thing first, and then this other thing. Can you also provide me with a little more information?
Are serious? How come you can't help me!! I asked you for simple help and you aren't helping at all!! I'm going to call my other friend because they know everything all about [choose one: computers, knitting] and clearly you know nothing. And I thought we were friends! You're a jerk!

The Women Answer The Phones

Most women like chatting. I totally get that you'd probably assume that I'd be like that, but generally I don't rush to answer any calls, even though there are a select few people I love to hear from.

At the place I go to work I was told that I would be on alternate phone duty, somewhere around fourth on the list of people who would answer calls to our main line. I assumed that was a job for the newest person at work. It's not even either, but here's how it works: everyone goes on vacation at once and I get to sit at the front desk away from all my computers and servers where I can be the least helpful tethered to a desk I can't do any of my own work at and accidentally hang up on people while trying to transfer them. If I step away from the phone I overhear conversations that say things like "where's a girl to answer the phone?"


This afternoon, after successfully transferring a call to someone who gets 99% of calls but doesn't give out his direct line I am asked by a shout across the office: "Hey is this a call for me!?"

Um no, if it was for you I'd hang up or accidentally transfer it to the shop... of course it's for you!!

I hate phones almost as much as fax lines.

Why I hate doors

Here's everything that I know about doors:

1. They open.
2. They close.
3. Some doors lock.

Thank you, that is all.

Oh no wait. Besides IT, I'm de facto in charge of security, sprinkler systems and doors. That means I'm in charge of organizing maintenance and replacements of doors. Which means I hire contractors to tell me BS about doors. I now know about solenoids, strike plates, digital readers, hinge pins, door closers, sensors and our building's air pressure problems. It's not a bad thing, but I wish it weren't me.

There was a cute guy fixing a forklift at the back of the shop who had a British accent and he was impressed that I had a screwdriver and was taking the lock apart. Sadly he didn't ask me out. Probably couldn't: girl with a screwdriver after all, way too intimidating.

Safety first

In our Department of Redundancy Department we get folders on our shared drive named Safety. In it are various documents and subfolders, most of which start with "Safety" and continue with at least one other word but one folder that is actually called "Safety". In that folder, we have another sub-sub-folder by the name of "Safety". Super safety things go in the 3rd level deep safety folder. I'm just guessing.

Safety is run by the Quality Department, and Quality not only likes redundancy but clarity too. They have folders named "QUALITY DEPARTMENT DAILY USE FOLDER - FOR DAILY USE" and in it they have a subfolder named "QUALITY ASSURANCE FOR THE QUALITY DEPARTMENT - FOR DAILY USE" not to be confused with the "QUALITY ASSURANCE FOLDER FOR THE QUALITY SYSTEM PROGRAM OF THE QUALITY ASSURANCE DEPARTMENT" folder. Yes, all in caps. No, probably not for daily use. The folder and filename path length foobars the nightly backups so I wish I was making all this up.

Snippy snippy

Among other lovely snippy totally pissy people I've talked to today I talked to a woman on a tech support line who admitted she had about as much experience with the product as I did, which was exactly none. After asking to talk to someone who uses the program she told me that was entirely impossible, however I really should "educate" myself. My entire reason for calling was to find out how the connection string is composed for the software. Since there is no information in the manual about the connection string except "enter it into the blank field provided" how else should I get educated except by calling technical support??

To be honest, this woman loves to hate me. When she hears it's me calling she must get some kind of charge out of saying things like "I can't help you if I can't understand the question you're asking me!" when I've been more than specific about the issue or "Well I can't tell you what you did wrong, but you did something wrong. And I can't send you the correct files, but if you can determine which files are corrupt I will send them to you one by one." Good luck! One by one. For a thousand files.

Le sigh.

I'm calling around trying to get info on IP phones and services -- I called a place and was happily chatting away with a technician when we were disconnected with a big *bbzzttttttt*

It's not my phone. It's not our lines. I called back and their entire system rang "busy".

Not a good sign for a technical phone company I think.

How to tell it's fall

How to tell it's fall: The Shirtless Man* who drives to work in a teal-coloured Ford truck (circa 1991) started putting on a jacket over his tubby tummy.

* He used to be called the Naked Man as I couldn't see below the window of his driver's side door, but yesterday he was getting a newspaper from across the street at Timmy's and he was in fact wearing pants and a jacket -- but like all summer -- no shirt.

Popsie!

My Grandmother used to call all soft drinks a combo of Pepsi and Pop: Popsie!

Ich bin ein Popsie trinker!

Cute garage sale find

Totally retro colours but I love it! Acorns!

Fool.

I sent out an email notice alerting people to a new virus and asking them to make sure not to click on anything at work, but it may come to their homes as well, and so you should not click on any suspicious downloads at home either. I'm not assuming everyone is stupid enough to need notification not to click on suspicious things, but oh wait, yes I am!

Four hours later or so someone wanders out to refill their water glass and stands in my doorway to chat "Hey, so I was just wondering, what was your email all about?"
"Did you read it?" I asked annoyed.
"Not really."
"Ok well it basically said you should go home and click on every thing in your inbox. Hope that helps!"
"Whatever! You're pulling my leg... HA!"
"You're sharp! Guess you won't be fooled by a virus email then, but just in case you should read all the details I sent in the email."

Harvest

Tomatoes off the vine are the awesomest.

Online profile

The most important thing I am looking for in a person is:

Kindness. It is the one thing that I notice right away. Especially if it is absent. If you are a "stern" woman you need not apply.

I guess that's it for me then, I unkindly laughed out loud when I read that.

Phone call the second

AP: Hello I am wondering if you are busy at lunchtime today?
PL: Yes, I'm free for lunch!
think w00t! Someone invites me for lunch!!!1!!eleventy!

Oh wait, >:( it's not a nice invitation for samosas, it's an attempt for me to give up my lunch hour to scope out school netbooks for their 12 year old, and to set it up with anti-virus.

Reason #1 why I love IT.

Phone call the first

Odd day for phone calls:

Hello. This is Barry with CanPar. I have a package for (mispronounces my name badly) at some machine shop. No address, could you call us back and give us an address please?

How in the world do you have my personal cell phone number and name, vaguely know I work at a machine shop, but not which one, and no address, but send me a package? I can't wait to see who this package I'm not expecting is from.

Barry at CanPar, you have some googling-fu to find me.

Wrong number

I get a lot of wrong numbers so I don't usually answer the phone if I don't recognize the number. Today's gem:

"Hi, I saw your number posted in Dairy Queen and I'm moving next week, so I want to book you ASAP. Call me back please."

Posted on the bathroom stall? You might want to dial a little more carefully.

Common questions

Some what unfortunately I moved away from the city I grew up in for a brief time. By brief, I guess I mean four or five years, give or take. Ever since that time kind acquaintances who see me at least at Easter and Christmas, in addition to weddings and funerals, repeatedly ask "do you still live in ...?" No. Not anymore. Not in the last seven years. Not for a long time. I suppose I'll be 100 and someone will run into me in the old folks home and say "I thought you moved!"

But I honestly don't know how it came to be that at family weddings and funerals I get asked "do you still have your vacuum cleaner and are you still enjoying using it?" Every opportunity, it seems, is a good opportunity to inquire if I still love my vacuum. Currently without a significant other, I worry about why people ask me about my vacuum cleaner. It's a vacuum cleaner. It vacuums. I would rather vacuum the house than do pretty much any other domestic task but it is a still a chore. As such, being equipped with a proper tool makes the chore less chore-like, and so I bought a decent vacuum which I do enjoy using.

I don't know what else to tell you, except that I have a Miele vacuum and it really is a good tool. It sucks (really well)! But a warning: if you get one, you might get asked about it until the end of time.

PANIC (!!!!)

PHBs: Everybody quick!
We have emergency urgent things to do as quickly as possible so let's quickly start working and have things done by Sunday!

Peon: Ok, what do we have to do?

PHBs: I don't know. Scope hasn't been defined yet but we need to start working on it immediately as urgently as we can!!!

Peon: So, umm, if we don't know what is required then how are we supposed to provide anything useful?

PHBs: We need to anticipate the questions and provide the answers before we get the details of what is required.



Comment: You know the term 'Work smart'? I always thought that was a pretty common thing to do, but it turns out working stupid happens much more often.

Need printer

The guy who runs a little league out of his office & sends out massive amounts of email newsletters through our corporate email server and prints off colour flyers like it's going out of style asks:

do we have a copier around that's portable? would like to use at hockey registration.. nothing fancy... thanks.

I said no to this IT request. He was insistent he needs a copier AND printer in one, surely we could supply him with something portable. I asked him if he's seen anything portable he'd like to take home around our offices recently. (*maybe a fridge?) There is a place where they sell an all-in-one printer/copier units cheaply, it's called The Store. He told me he doesn't have time to go get a new printer, never mind get toner.


*apparently a fridge/freezer left unplugged and open to defrost was taken out of the offices. There was an announcement that who ever took the fridge to please bring it back. Someone returned the fridge and angrily pointed out that there was no note on it that said "do not take."

Because that is how we roll.

Coffee run counting fail

One sunny and slow summer afternoon a generous soul counts the number of people in the office, only four besides himself, and says "I'm going on a coffee run, my treat!" He takes down our drinks on a sheet of paper and drives 2 blocks to the coffee shop. When he comes back he hands out the four coffees according to his list and looks at his empty tray and goes: "whoops. I forgot to get one for myself."

Getting a handle on it...

At a housewarming party on Saturday afternoon, I got ice for my drink from the freezer door dispenser. What a handy invention! Unfortunately another guest had depth-perception issues or focus problems (think: googly-eyes) and as he reached to grab the fridge door handle he grabbed my love-handle instead.

Little-girl-shriek.
Spilled my drink on the floor.
Started uncontrollably giggling.
My sister & I had to leave shortly after that.

Brain problems.

Things I've said today that sound just-plain-wrong:

"...I can't take a dump yet!"
Meaning... I can't take an extract of the data from the database. Yet. 
The person I was talking to looked like: O_O

"...do I need to do a re-flush?" I was talking to an exceedingly cute guy with freckles and I mixed an ipconfig /flush with a dns restart.

I need to get a really good night's sleep without any rain, thunder or lightning.

Don't forget the warranty! No Srsly. Don't Forget It.

I went to a store today at lunch to buy batteries.

After requiring help to find the battery I needed because I dyslexically remembered CR 2320 instead of CR 2032 the following conversation between myself and the salesman ensues.

Shifty Salesman: "Let me ask you something..."

Myself: "Ok...."

Shifty Salesman: "How long did your previous battery last?"

Myself: "Oh I dunno, 2 or 3 or 4 years?" (batteries for my bathroom scale... definitely not a high use item...)

Shifty Salesman: "No, how long, really??"

Myself: " Umm... 3 maybe 2?"

Shifty Salesman: "Well, let me tell you what I can offer you. For just $1.50 each I can offer you a 3 year warranty on a battery like this."

Myself: *In head* "for a $5 battery?" *Out loud* "No, thanks I think I'll pass"

Shifty Salesman: "No, you don't understand. For only $1.50 each you will actually get TWO new batteries if one of these batteries dies before 3 years. It's an amazing deal."

Myself: *Out loud* "No really, I'm actually good. I'll just get the batteries." *In head* "If I get two replacements for each died battery, why would I buy the warranty twice?"

Shifty Salesman: "Well, I guess I can only show you the road...."

Myself: *In head* "WEEEEEIIIIIRRRDDOO!" Out loud "Yeah, I guess so...."

Tricky

I receive a request for a new battery. I purchase this battery and deliver it to the user's desk. User is incredulous and asks me: is this something I'm gonna be able to install all on my own??

Um yes. It's a battery.

Step one: remove old battery. 
Step two: insert new battery.
Step three: profit!

Best misspelling of the week

In a forum:
...my son became allergic to acrylics and curtain wool dyes...
Um yeah. "csss-urrr-tin." That looks about right.

And an awesome an argument between two colleagues about crullers from Tim Hortons.

How come you're calling it a crawler??
No, I'm saying cruller.
Yeah crawler! It's "cruel"er. Croooooooo-ler.
No way! Hooked on phonics: short u: crul-ler
There you go again you just said crawler.
No I said cruhl-ler. Listen carefully, cruller.
You say it funny. 

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/cruller

Sounds familiar

User 1: I have no sound at all in my left speaker! Moreover and importantly when I watch youtube I have no sound in my left speaker. Halp!

Me: Did you try rebooting?

U1: No, I don't think that would help, it most certainly would be a motherboard issue.

Me: If you didn't try rebooting did you at least try a different set of speakers?

U1: Yes but I still had no sound in my left speaker so listen, it's clearly an issue bigger than that.

U2 from down the hall: Speaking of sound issues, ever since, well I can't remember since when, I have no sound either! Maybe it's a server issue.

U1: Oooh, could be! That new server is such a pain!

Me: No, stop it. It's not a server issue!

reboot User 1 computer, problem solved

check User 2 task bar and find sound muted, problem sovled

U1: Oh.
U2: Oh.

I read a book!

Yesterday I read two books, something I haven't done in a very very long time. I used to read like a fiend, anything and everything I could get my hands on but in the last few years being a (more or less) responsible adult (ha ha!) has diverted my attention from reading every spare minute I could. There's laundry! And grass! And never-ending weeds! And dishes... and the folding of laundry... and well, the cleaning of ALL THE THINGS.

Nevertheless I sat down on Sunday afternoon and read, count 'em, one two! TWO whole books. I was very excited. The second book is a "classic". I was stoked, I was going to catch up on something everyone but I had to read in high school! Page eight, I started to laugh as he explained how someone was picking their nose and making it look like they were just pinching/scratching, but in reality we all know they are digging. Ha! we've all seen that, so this book might be awesomely relevant! Page 12 more relevance! I can't believe Ms. H never made us read this back when I was a teen! It would have been relevant!

Page 13. I begin to notice random italicization. Some random words, but even random syllables! Did the author do this or is it a typesetter problem? Do they expect me to believe the narrator speaks randomly like this?

It's written in a narrative style, so half the paragraphs start with "so anyway..." And half of it is weird teenage rambling, self-aggrandizing and self-loathing. So anyway, I find that super annoying, super fast!

Hmm...teenage angst. Running away. Depression.
So glad I missed it during my awkward teenage angst-filled phase!

Eeyore

A minor power blip at lunch left the lights off throughout the building but the UPS saved the server, so everyone continued working right where they had left off. Everyone that is except an Eeyore. I restarted his computer and saw that it was having difficultly connecting to the network -- after unplugging a few things, plugging them back in and restarting his computer I asked him to log in again.

"What's the point? I don't think that will have fixed anything."

WHAT? FINE. So I logged in, and it connected in seconds. Turns out, it fixed everything.

This is because I am amazing!! Thank you, thank you verrrry much!

TMI

"I just thought I'd let you know that my mouse wasn't working so I rebooted my computer."
"Is it working now?"
"Yes. I just thought you should know I rebooted."
"Oh. Okay thanks." ... I think.

Suspicious activities

I went shopping on Tuesday for weddings this summer. I found two dresses at a boutique in The Mall. On my way home from work yesterday I purchased gasoline, but grabbed a different credit card out of my wallet to buy gas (less points, my mistake). By the time I turned out of the gas station and had driven 2 blocks the bank was calling my cellphone to confirm several unusual transactions. After confirming my identity they asked me about the most recent transaction. I said: "Probably 2 minutes ago, at the gas station?" "Yes. And how about the one before that, also an unusual purchase..."

I couldn't remember but when she said "Natasha's Passion?" I was like "IT'S A DRESS SHOP!!"

Peepee Teepee

On the highway between Canmore and Banff next to a construction site, a Pee Pee teepee. Well I assume there was a blue porta potti hiding inside since I didn't see any along that stretch of highway.

My PC has been upgraded to 250 HP.

A colleague stopped by my office to remark he had noticed I have a fair number of "spare parts" computers. He asked me what I was going to use them for and if he could have a spare motor, if there was one available.

A motor.
In a PC.

I work with computers, so sometimes I have a hard time gauging people, but I can't be certain he was joking.

Things that rock

A local establishment let kids write their names on bricks in crayon which were used for decorating a wall... including one kid named "Hitler" it looks like.

Deerfoot Trail in Calgary this weekend

I guess the sign doesn't say anything.

First!

First thing, first coffee, first email:

Good Morning, Two things

1. The door at the back is not working again 
2. I can not open certain docs being sent regarding Adobe Reader Can you help this?

I especially loved the ESL desparation in the last line. He speaks English. It doesn't sound like it.

In charge of batteries, common sense, and catastrophies.

Universally people don't love to be responsible for themselves or their actions. Equally true is the fact that everyone needs to be right. This evokes mental distress to the point of physical pain for me on a daily basis.

Example one - Laziness:
User: I brought you my laptop to fix on Friday but I didn't bring it out of the car.
Me: Did you bring it with you today?
User: No.
Me: Ok well try to bring it with you tomorrow.
User: Maybe you can buy me a car charger so I can do my work in my car. On my laptop.
Me incredulous: There isn't internet in your car.
User: No, ha ha, but I could send you out there to fix the laptop.
Me: >:(

Example two - Computers are too complex. There are too many buttons. Too much clicking:
User: The photocopier says "BROADCASTING"
Me: So?
User: It never says broadcasting. It also says "Waiting." It never says waiting.
Me: It looks like there is a large job ahead of your job so it's waiting in queue. Let's look at the details of your job to find out why it says broadcast -- oh look, it's being sent to an email and a fax address.
User: No the copier is wrong. It should just be email.
Me: Well that's strange, I wonder how it decided to send it to two addresses?
User: I selected their fax number first, but changed my mind and then pressed the email address.
Me: But you see how that selects 2 destinations? Fax first and then email? Either clear all the accidental selections by using the CLEAR ALL button, or de-select the wrong address and then select the correct address.
User: Why can't it just read my mind?

Example three - This thing won't work. You provided this thing. Therefore it is your fault:
User: I can't make this work, it is falling apart.
Me: You clearly have broken this thing. It looks like you purposefully have used it in an improper manner and/or drop-kicked it.
User: You bought me a bad thing. You should get me a better one.
Me: >:(

Example four - Define catastrophe.
User: I cannot print. I can never print!
Me: You printed yesterday just fine. Here is an error message "Error: Cannot print document." It looks like there are a lot of printing jobs that you started after one that failed. Did you get mad and press print 14 times?
User: You bought me a crappy printer! You should buy me a better one.
Me: This is a good printer. I will restart the printing. See, now it is printing just fine.
User: You bought me a bad printer. You should get me a better one. I consider not being able to print a catastrophe.
Me incredulous: A catastrophe? We have many other printers. Maybe it is an inconvenience to walk 20 steps to the next printer, but this is not a catastrophe.

Swiss chicken

A: Want to grab lunch with me?
M: Sure. Where?
A: I’m not sure – something halfway between you and I? I’m looking at a map.
M: Let's.
A: Did you maybe want to do the Swiss chicken or something?
M: We are not 65. Do you think they'll let us in?
A: Hmmm..that’s tough. I have a fake senior discount card, and with my receding hairline, it’s becoming easier and easier to use.
M: HAHAHAHAHA ok if you want Swiss chicken I'll meet you there at 12:05

For real

In Win Server 2008 R2 you STILL can't paste into a cmd window. This upsets me beyond all reason. WHY micro$oft WHY? Every time I see ^V I want to strangle a programmer. There's three ways to do every thing in Windows, except paste into a cmd window using a shortcut.

On Pea-Brains and 1989 technology

I'm not in charge of facilities, but I happen to be often mistaken for a person who cares. Someone in our office was complaining about cigarette smell for three days and how he can't get rid of his headache from the stink until 2 am. I stood in his office and it smelled like wet earth. Since it has been raining for three days, I think that's reasonable, albeit weird. But exactly unlike cigarette smell.

While I'm there I take a peek behind his desk to see if anything crawled behind there and died. There I see the little fax machine the "sales team" insists they cannot do without is out of toner... so I replace the toner.

The memory starts spitting out pages from MARCH 29th onward. Almost 2 months!
...including sales orders
...including requests for quotations
...including multiple resubmissions for the same quotations.

Apparently "NO TONER" isn't enough of a warning for people who can't even set up a fax machine from 1989. One guy declares that he never uses that fax machine. As a matter of fact he has never used it and therefore cannot be held accountable. The other guy who uses it declares that he's not responsible for changing toner, I am, and therefore it is clearly my fault.

While I was waiting for the ream of paper to stop I had noticed the time was out by 2.5 hours and decided to help them out by setting it. Same complainer, when asked what the current time is, pointedly asked "do you want the computer time, the phone time, the cell phone time, or the real time?"

Really? Are there any other complaints I can possibly disregard for you today?

It is too a word

But it is not ok. Free balling. Wearing tight pants. Yelling, smelling like a donkey and firing clients.

Just FYI -- I installed Server 2008 R2 without you today, turns out I'm smart like that and I don't need you.

Perspective

Pleased with the fact that my investment gained $1.91 in the month of April, I crowed about it at a dinner with my family. My Dad said: "Ha, I get that in one day just picking up the bottles that I see on job sites."

Sigh.

In passing someone complained about the streak the copier was leaving on their copies and faxes this morning. I asked "Did you clean the glass?" "Yes, but it didn't help." That instant a committee of complainers was formed and everyone in earshot had to weigh in on the problem. I marvel at this office phenomenon, the willingness for people to say the dumbest things on their minds and for colleagues to agree on this techno-drivel. One person said "trust me, I know all about that, it's usually the imaging drum that has been damaged when there are streaks" and they all agreed this was likely.

Now I like a good complex problem same as the next person but I said "I'll come check it but it's usually the glass."
"I would appreciate it if you would just place a service call."
"I'll come check the glass first."
"FINE."

Checked the glass, there's a booger on it.

"It was the glass."
"I HAD CLEANED THE GLASS."

I did not say "...not well enough..."
>:(

How to fly a kite. As demonstrated by the little girls down the block.

Equipment Required:

1. A length of string
2. Plastic grocery bag
3. Wind (duh)

Procedure:

1. Tie opposite ends of the string to each grocery bag handle
2. Go outside
3. Let the wind fill up your kite!

Cutest and most imaginative thing I've seen! Who needs expensive toys?

Tooting one's horn!

I interviewed a technical support company today who's representative decided the best place to start answering the question "what is your technical background so that I may understand your expertise" was to start with "back when René Lévesque started politicking in Quebec I was working as..." and then put me to sleep three times before the end of that story.

Yes. I can see how you have loads of relevent expertise. (I hoped nodding off looked like nodding in encouragement.)

Then at 4 pm the trumpet sounded. I thought it might be the rapture, but it was only the soccer hooligan trumpet ordered online. Which means, tomorrow, I will still have to show up for work.

SMS exchange

I'm wearing my underwear inside out today. Accidentally. The tag itches.

You know what's ghetto? Going to the bottle depot so I have lunch money.

A girl at the till has a tiny bear chain hanging out of her shirt, by pulling on it she just pulled an iFone out of her boobs. Keeping it classy at the Millwoods Mall!

haha, awesome, best mall ever! I dug a hole today.

Crazy. What did you put in the hole, your neighbours' dog I'm guessing.

I wish. So I had Alberta One Call come out to mark my property for the fence. I complained to my parents they only marked the gas line. They looked at me funny because I totally couldn't see the other markings. Boy, I'm colourblind.

Aahahahahahahaha! This impediment you have makes me laugh my head off. I am sorry for laughing but thanks so much for sharing!

My dad was like what's wrong with you?? Can't you see the lines painted on the grass?? Duh!

You could only see the yellow lines, awe! Seriously, I'm still laughing.

Poof!

Check it out -- I'm standing at my desk and a toner cartridge has just exploded ALL over my desk, floor, face.... FACE. YUCK! TONER ON MY FACE!! And someone comes charging in with an invoice they don't know who it belongs to and ask if they can leave it for me to figure out to whom it should be routed. Invoices, BTW, don't plug in or have batteries. And I have toner on my face!

I probably looked slightly unhinged holding a cartridge that just *poofed* all over!

They didn't even blink.

Maybe I look like PigPen all the time?

Aquanet SMS

PS to PL:

I got a new hairspray for

$1.99 and my head feels 

like a helmet!

Last week I slept in the bed in a room in my parents house that I grew up in. Thinking about funny things that we did as kids. Like gnawing on the bunkbeds - I have no idea why but I wasn't the only one who liked the weird taste of that old varnish. And melted cheese sandwiches. Just cheese and bread and a microwave kept us super happy.

There's a room in the basement with floor to ceiling built-in shelves with a veritable library collected by my Mother. I went looking for the cat one afternoon and saw something that looked like possibly a squashed spider on the wall beside a hammock my Father can't bear to use outside in the garden. Upon inspection it was not a spider at all but a jolly green booger! I grabbed a tissue but it was so encrusted I gave up and got a wet cloth... at which point the booger came off with the paint!! When my little cousins come over they spend hours reading old Hardy Boys mystery books and comics and playing games in this room so I'm fairly certain this booger may belong to one of them.

Whatever furniture we may have gnawed on as children we did not deposit our nose-gold on things! (not that I will admit to anyway!)

Do you know what day it is?

Fixing other people's PCs means you get to touch a lot of dirty keyboards and mice and see how really filthy people are... and observe their weird desk collections of Anne Geddes postcards, Happy Meal toys and cat pictures. The worst is needing to write something down and only finding chewed on pens and pencils.

Today's weird: a calendar collection consisting of three Nascar, three oil field supply vendor, a desk blotter-type and a flip-style calendar from a bank.  It's April 22. Half of them were still on March, with the exception of the desk calendar which was on September 2008.

Homemade

A conversation in which I expound on the most amazing pizza I made on Saturday:

"... it was so awesome, possibly the best pizza ever made!"
"Whatever! You probably put zucchini and squash and nasty stuff on it!"
heehee... I would have had I thought of it! "No, I only put good stuff on it. It was really great."
"Ok prove it. What meat did you put on?"
"Salami. What? I didn't have pepperoni!"
"Ok fine. Cheese?"
"Feta and Monterey Jack."
"EW!!! SEE, that is gross, why didn't you use Mozzarella, the only good kind of cheese to use on pizza?"
"I like the flavours of feta and Jack."
"If you mean sick flavours. With weird textures. You've just eliminated yourself from the-best-pizza-ever contest. What else?"
"Well I didn't have any pizza sauce..."
"WHAT!? SICK! Ok what did you use??"
"Ketchup and Italian dressing, just a bit so the crust didn't dry out."
"You are getting to be like a grandma! YOUR Oma, putting weird stuff on pizzas!"


Whatever! It was a really tasty Wurst-kuchen. It did not have Cheese Whiz or Kraft Single Slices on it so it wasn't that bad.

Big cry baby

I'm the kind of person who lays on the couch when I have the flu sending out text messages to my friends and family such as:
"my nose boogies are glowing green"
"i might only have a few more hours to live, i just expelled a lung"
"the man who walks his cat on a leash three times a week has a wife who's walking laps around the block with her hair in curlers. i got a picture"

Here's the proof:

That durn server!

I got a new server at work to play with a month ago and it's been the greatest thing since sliced bread. Runs fast, really fast. I installed our old ERP software on it and it functions brilliantly. Now if only the new version software we wanted to run on it would arrive, we'd be in business... or, more in business than we already are.

But users in my office have started blaming the server for every little thing. If they can't see video on Youtube, can't get sound, can't login, can't remember their password they'll call and complain "ever since that new server! I'm tellin' ya! Ever since you installed that new server I can't...< insert lame excuse here >."

It's too bad the new server is actually not turned on. Maybe I'd believe them.

New Legislation

There should be some sort of law banning people from bringing McDonald's outside of McDonald's and stinking up the world. It's nasty.

I'm just saying is all...

Office creep of the day

Silently stands in your office doorway without making a sound until your neck-hairs stand on end and goosebumps alert you to their presence behind you.

Maybe the Jaws theme is playing in their head when they sneak up behind you: duh-duh. duh-duh. duh-duh.

Playing in my head? The Psycho theme: skree!skree!skree!skree!

Why not say "Hi" or clear your throat if you want my attention Boob!

What!?

From my favourite person, who calls all day long:

"Hey are you busy?"
"Yes, always. What's up?" (that's my favourite line, I use it all the time. What!? It's a dumb question!)
"Do you know about The Hockey?"
"THE Hockey? What?"
"I didn't want you to feel left out about the hockey, and think no one asked you."
"What?"
"There's this hockey pool."
"Oh, sorry I'm not interested."
"Well I didn't want you to think no one asked you because..." I wondered if he would have said...because you're a girl?
"Yeah sorry, I'm really not interested."
"So you don't have anyone that would pick for you?"
"Nope."
"Ok because we're having a hockey pool and you don't have to be left out."
"Yes I get that. Sorry I am not interested in a hockey pool."

Waitaminit, why am I apologizing to him for just not being interested in a hockey pool?!

It's just so obviously awesome...

Awesome show at work:
I schedule a pick up by UPS for my laptop that is going back to Hoolit-Pakurd and leave it at the front desk.

Unrelated of course Purolator decides to come at lunch... and a surly guy in shipping who refuses to "work" over lunch (or very much at any point during the day) sends them to the front office.

Which is locked for lunch. Because that's just how we roll.

Purolator calls our office and leaves a voicemail that we have to call to reschedule pick-up.

But the receptionist knows I'm waiting for UPS forwards the message to me, since obviously Purolator and UPS are mixed up in my head. Because I'm blonde and she is not you know.

Meanwhile when I get back from lunch I forward the call to the shipping office and get the one guy who does everyone's work and ask "soooo... you still waiting for Purolator to come?"
YES
Because, of course, one has nothing to do with the other.

On top of which the box shipping had for Purolator to pick up was right in front of the surly guy who cannot see the forest for all the trees.

Ugh

To make a long story short I still am waiting for UPS and they are still waiting for Purolator to show up.

It's just so awesome around here.

Greetings earthlings!

Honestly, who was the first nerdy Geek that ever decided that "Greetings!" was the most appropriate friendly salutation for email and voicemail? And why do they all do it? They pull their pants up to their armpits, wear white socks with black shoes and love fake-formality.

It's 3:17 AM, do you know where you are?

When people start realizing how stupid their questions are and still ask them with the preface "this is probably a stupid question but..." I start to wonder what the point of them working here is, because the point of me working here is to sort out their trivial problems and would it be faster if we just cut out the middle guy?

"This is probably a really dumb question but if my email says time received 3:17 AM is that the time the email was sent or received?"
 
I want to say: Really? That is a brain tickler for you?? But I am a good person so I don't! Instead I say: "Received. The time received is the time in our time zone it was received. Google his location and you'll find out what time it was in his time zone."

"He's in *country name*."

So I Google it myself. "10 hours ahead of us."

"Well he wants to call me about something but I'm not at work at 3:17 AM."

"You can also use Google to find out if there's any meeting time that overlaps." *google it for 2 seconds, send link* "I'm showing 7AM our time is 5PM their time."

"Ok..." then indignant "Well yeah because I'm not at work at 3:17 AM and I'm not coming in then either! Ha ha!"

Ha! You should be on a comedy show.

Inappropriate Attire

I have a crazy neighbour. Well, I guess he's not technically crazy so much as obsessive compulsive and hilarious but I still like calling him my crazy neighbour Sam. He's got 5 inside cats, works from home (which allows him to be a one-man neighbourhood watch) and he loves shoveling snow. Like 7 times a day starting at 5am.

Although he does like my cat, he has made it obvious that he does not generally approve of my cat being allowed to roam freely outdoors because you never know what could happen to her. There are cars! and mean people! and maybe even coyotes! When we first started letting her outside he dutifully brought her back to us 3 - 4 times before he realized we were actually OK with her being outside by herself. So naturally, when my husband called down to me from upstairs that Sam was coming to see me I assumed it would be something about him noticing my cat was sitting near a car or something equally dangerous.

I answer the door and see Sam standing there in nothing but an undershirt and hip waders.

Since it's my crazy neighbor Sam this doesn't really register in my brain as unusual. He asks if he can borrow my phone since he's lost his in his house. I think to myself 'Ok, that is reasonable, I too have lost my cellphone in my house'. I go to the kitchen to get it and he shouts out after me 'And I actually do have a good reason as to why I'm in hip waders!'

Me (just now realizing it is weird considering that most lakes are still frozen and we're also millions of kilometers from any real water source): "Oh yeah.... why are you in hip waders, Sam?

Sam: "Well, you see.... I was getting some Easter stuff ready for the nieces & nephews and accidentally locked the door between the house and garage when I went into the garage. And well, you see... normally when I'm walking around the house I only wear an undershirt and underwear... and well you see, I couldn't really pull the undershirt down far enough to be decent (envision a 50-something, pony-tailed, ex-hippie tugging at his imaginary undershirt over top of his waders) and the only thing I had in the garage were these waders, so......"

100% absolutely certain you are wrong

I hate it so much when people come to me and argue they are *100% absolutely certain* of something that they're completely wrong about. For example someone complained that up until just last week they used to be able to log off someone else if the desktop was locked. Now it says you have to be the administrator. They're willing to argue to the death with me that is how it worked up until last week and now it doesn't anymore. With all the authority they can muster they order me to change it back.

So I tell them, no I'm sorry, you must misremember that because it never worked that way and it is designed not to work that way.

Well can you change it back?

Listen you: ONLY IN YOUR MIND DID IT EVER WORK THAT WAY. IT CANNOT WORK THAT WAY.

Well it did used to work that way.

IT DID NOT. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. I CANNOT HELP YOU.

Well can you change it back?

LISTEN UP, LISTEN CAREFULLY:
IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.
IT NEVER WORKED THAT WAY.

Well it did. And it's really annoying now!

SO ARE YOU. TAKE YOUR SUNGLASSES OFF WHEN YOU TALK TO ME. WE ARE INSIDE A BUILDING WITH NO WINDOWS.

Seriously, it did work that way. Change it back!

IT MUST BE REALLY SUNNY IN THAT MAGICAL WORLD OF YOURS.

keeping the standards low.

Today I was on the bus and it smelled like a mixture of alcohol and little caesars pizza. Then I thought to myself 'well, I guess that's better than pee.'

What?

Someone brings me a print out of a failed-to-send-email notice and asks "What could make it fail?"

"The wrong email address."

"No. It's not wrong."

"No? Well if it's not the wrong address it could be that their email server was down, that's the only other very obvious reason."

"No. It must be on our end... Oh wait, I spelled the guy's name wrong."

Yup. That would make it fail.

Crazy neighbour update

The kid next door that has been playing in and around my compost heap (yes, in the heap) took one of their four dogs for a walk at lunch today. And it lasted for more than 15 minutes. This is the first time I've ever seen anyone walk any of the dogs. I was pretty sure poor thing had forgotten what its legs were for.

My yard is winning at spring!

Happy Tuesday!

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT THANK YUO!

The advertisement for forklift operator at work has had overwhelming response. I was fascinated by this:

• All CAPS

Subject: FW: HI THERE IM SENDING THIS EMAIL/RESUME REGARDING YOUR WEB AD & IM APPLYING FOR FORKLIFT TRUCK OPERATOR, THANK YOU
or
HI. I W'LL LIKE TO APPLY FOR THE JOB
or
HI. I'M INTERESTED IN THE JOB ,I SEND MY RESUME AND I'M AVAILABLE TO WORK. YUO CAN CALLME ANY TIME THANKYOU.

Believe me, I hear you!

• JPG of their resume. Example:

• page1.jpg 
• page2.jpg
• page3.jpg

This is so many kinds of wrong, I can't even go there or we'd be here all day.

• RTF - ugh. Seriously?
• WPS - ok now I want to hurt you.
• Applying more than once.  Dude, you got so baked on the weekend you can't remember you already applied on Friday night?
• Sending the email, forgetting the attachment. 1% of our applicants did that. Disappointingly (for me) 0% wrote "oops" the second email.
• Subject "resume" or "Resume". 10% of the applicants did that!
• No subject line. No text in the email. Just an attachment. One person. It's kind of Zen. But not in a good way.
• Spelled their name all in lowercase - 30% of the applicants. I almost died. Many more used lowercase letters for their subject & email.

 "hi, i want a job but i care so little, but if u just got 2know me ud see i care even less"  Indicative that these people have barely graduated high school. Do kids nowadays really think adults are going to look deeper to find the real person behind the don't-care-facade? HA.

• Sent their resume as the text of the email. I'm guessing they don't know how to do an attachment. - 1% of applicants.

Wow. Just wow.

342222

For the past year and a half I drive to work every day and home for lunch & maybe a nap and back to work. I like to watch the numbers go up so quickly and sometimes match up.

Bringing a guest

Today, an invitation to a wedding in the mail, addressed to Pink Lemonade & Escort. My mailman is gonna think I'm some strange kind of girl. :(

You know who this is!

That's right! Mr. Potato Head in the car in front of me on my way to work.

Capital City Clean Up

I have a confession to make: I am a garbage picker. The city does a spring clean up activity when the snow starts to melt and I've volunteered again, for a second year. I suspect this does make me the granola-crunching hippy my brother-in-law accuses me of being. But I am surprised again this year by how many people litter but not what they litter. Cigarette packs and fast food, big surprise. It's not like people don't continually go places where they can dispose of their trash, so how come so much ends up on the streets?

I picked up 17 Tim's paper cups last Sunday, and 17 again this week. I walk only 2 blocks... that is a lot of cups in that short distance. Both weeks I got a full black garbage bag of trash.

Last week: 3 cups from 7-11, 2 from Second Cup and 1 from Starbucks. Numerous McDonald's drink cups, bags, and wrappers. Tim's bags and wrappers. Those two fast food places make up 70% of the garbage I've seen. Less presence of the other fast food places: Subway, DQ, KFC, Taco Bell, Wendy's, etc.

This week: 3 Starbucks, but only 1 cup from 7-11. Oddly enough: 2 Coronas, 1 Polar Ice. Too many wrappers to count.

I've gotten friendly honking, waved at and given the thumbs up. What I really want is people to get out of their cars and help out in their neighbourhood. At very least they could keep their trash in their vehicle until they find a garbage can at their next stop.

Oops!

I just told one of the eleventy-million pregnant ladies in my personal circle she looks "comfy". I really meant slobby.

It also seems I might have just killed some unknown person in my office...?

FTW! = For the Win(95)!

I would just like to let you know that I have just finished looking through our entire shop for Win95 floppy disks. It comes on 21 3 1/2" floppies FYI! My friend who's a tech at another shop told me he just looked at Win95 on CD last week and threw it out because he won't need that old junk... lo and behold, I call him a week later and ask for it on floppies. After he stopped howling he said he had kept 4 sets of Win95 on floppies and he will give me one set as a present. Lucky me! Christmas came early!

You know you're geeky when...

You carry two different operating systems on USB flash drives on you at all times.
A camera.
Two cellphones.
And a flashlight.


The only reason to tell you're a girl-geek by the contents of your purse: tinted lip gloss.

And the fact that you have a purse I suppose...

Book Review: The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet

In 2010 I committed to reading at least 12 new (to me) books. Recently on Bryan Allain's & Jason Boyett's blogs they featured book reviews based on Bryan's hilarious CANNARF Rating System. It's a subjective rating system... kind of funny to me, so I'm going to give it a try.

Author: Reif Larsen

Book Name: The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet

I’m Glad it Wasn’t Called: A Broken Compass and a Stuffed Sparrow in a Winnebago. That'd just be weird.

Book Synopsis in Twitteresque 140 characters or less: Genius kid with a funny name travels from Montana to Washington DC to illustrate for the Smithsonian, finds out his parents do miss him.

Where I Bought It: I read a review about it online (where? not sure) and asked for it for Christmas.

Paid for With: Ha, Free!

How Long it Took Me to Read: A bit longer than normal as I tried to savour it, the last couple of weeks it was a Sunday morning with nutella, toast & tea read. There are so many little maps and squiggly sidenotes in the sidebars to take in it just took me longer to get through.

Who I WOULD NOT recommend this book to: People who can't remember what it's like to be an angst filled 12 year old.

Who I WOULD recommend this book to: My mom and sister. They'll read anything! (Ha! Kidding) People who appreciate long words and descriptions. Anyone who likes to use their imagination.

What I used for a bookmark: Gift receipt that came with the book.

What did I like about the book: T.S.'s description of his life in Montana, pictures and maps he draws of people or places or sounds. The way he describes adults and analyses their fake facial expressions. And Oh! The story his mother wrote in her journal that he reads on the train in the Winnebago. (I'd read her book for sure!)

What I didn’t like about the book: The end felt rushed. I wished there was resolution with his mother or the Smithsonian. And those weird Megatheriums.

Expectations Going In: Great expectations; they were lived up to up until the last chapter (but I feel that way about most books).

Cannarf Rating: Worth a read! I am glad I got it for Christmas (thank you)!
The Rating: +5 cannarf.

Birthday party!

I've been invited to a birthday party not happening for six more weeks... for the kid next door. She's turning 18, and apparently her parents and their friends are all going to be at the bar waiting for her to be allowed in at the stroke of midnight. Her parents believe I am one of their friends but I believe she knows better...

Last year, for her 17th birthday, her parents allowed her to have her boyfriend sleepover for the first time.

For New Years this year they had a supervised under-aged drinking party for the hoodlums.

Keeping the neighbourhood classy! Awesomesauce!

GOLD!

***I have to preface this post by saying this is not lame at all.***

I know I promised not to talk about my knitting obsession on this blog, and I normally don't but...

I joined the Ravelympics this year.

I picked my project and prepared my equipment.
Cast on right as they light the Olympic cauldron.

My event was Short Track Shawls with a side of Lace Luge.
I flexed my muscles mightily this week and hoped to achieve a great feat!

And I won gold!

I finished my event on Saturday morning, a mere 15 days after I started. I lost track of how many hours this took, but suffice it to say, this puppy would not be done unless I had NOT skipped going to the gym at least three times during the last two weeks.

So this is it... I'm done. Wearing it today. Loving the silk blend.
Shetland Triangle Lace Shawl
by Evelyn A. Clark
Knit Picks Gloss (Dusk) on 4.5mm. 
46 1/2” wingspan unblocked; blocked to 60”.
19 3/4” height unblocked; blocked to 26 1/2”.

What do I do now??

Are you joking?

I often get calls from only one single person at work who can't figure out whether or not they are allowed to delete spam that may slip through the filter into their inbox. They'll say "I got this email? And I'm not sure if it got sent to the right person? It's for our corporate anti-virus?" And I tell them "please delete it and anything like it. They will never email you about our corporate anti-virus. Seems suspicious and mis-addressed? It is. Think about it, why would they have your email instead of mine?"

Almost always they ask "Are you sure? Are you sure it's ok if I delete it?" YES, for crying out loud, for the sweet, sweet sound of not hearing my phone ring off the hook with stupid questions, Yes! YES! DELETE IT! And stop putting your work email out there in the internet for people to find! Stop posting on forums and stick to the work we give you! After a year at this job you'd think they'd pick up on my frustration and stop calling. (You'd think, but you'd be wrong.)

This person probably calls me two or three times a week and usually insists that I walk myself over to their area to inspect the computer and watch them delete it so I know they're doing it right. Because, by golly, doing this and everything else right is important, and it's imperative everyone knows that they are, in fact, doing it right.

He called again "I know you're really busy but... I have this email?" as if acknowledging the fact I might be irritated pardons the irritation itself.
Without hesitation I respond: "DELETE IT."
Whining now, since I've obviously I've hurt their feelings "well, this email... it's kind of a joke."
"A joke? You mean a hoax?! Well, delete that for sure! If you know it's a hoax, why are you asking me if you can delete it? Just go ahead and delete it!"
"Well actually, it's just a joke someone sent me. I thought you might like to read it, it's pretty funny, but I wanted to ask if I can forward it to you."

I wanted to ask: Do you have any idea how the internet works? It's a giant circle recycling bin. There is not much funny on the internet that I haven't already seen probably seven years ago.

It was sent. I eventually read it, deleted it and forgot about it.

Later on I get another phone call "Hey did you get that email I sent you?"

Blankity-blank

Hi,
You can have your employee log in to the system now. Their user ID is firstname.lastname > login the first time leaving password blank and they will be required to choose a password immediately.

Thanks,

etc.

We tried log in but it is requiring a password.  Are we doing this right?

Hi again,
Login the first time with no password at all, just username and hit enter, and they will be required to make a password immediately.

Please let me know,
etc.

Yay for flowers!

On my drive home on Friday with plantlets for home.

Noise Complaint

Today I have a very serious complaint.

I have had a headache off and on all day. That, however, is not my complaint.

My real complaint is that my mouse squeaks. (This, btw, does not in any way improve the headache situation.)

I'm sure you can all imagine the laughing that goes on when I voice my complaint: "*Chortle* Well, that's what they're supposed to do, isn't it?" Hardy Har Har. HI-LARious.

I suddenly have a new understanding for this poor chap.

Duplicity

There must be something reassuring about repeating oneself:

• "I would also like to say something as well..."
• "I am currently unavailable at the moment..."
• "Plus, included for free are..."

Reassuring or pompous sounding or just not paying attention?

Like a mouse

We have a receptionist/gate-keeper at our office, so when calls get transferred to my line there's no call display. Since I don't know who is calling I will almost always identify myself with "Maria speaking..."

Hilarity ensued when the confused caller said "Maria squeaking??"

Now my caller will joke daily "Maria sleeping? WAKE UP!"

No Food Touching Policy

There has been a recent attack on my no food touching policy on this blog.

I have long been persecuted for my fervent beliefs about no food touching. Of course I have always been ridiculed by my very own family but as the years went by I learned to deal with their scorn by just ignoring the remarks and internalizing the pain it caused me.

Then one day I met my now husband and I so foolishly thought I might have someone to help defend me against the constant attacks at family gatherings when I so carefully would build a wall on the edge of my plate to house the pool of gravy that I like to dip my meat in.

The very first time I was at his family's house for Thanksgiving Turkey dinner he reached over my plate, took his knife and callously broke the wall with his knife, laughing hysterically all the while gravy was spilling every where onto all sorts of other food while I frantically tried to rebuild the wall.

Naively I had assumed that someone I loved could never be so awful to me. Rest assured it has not happened again, despite his attempts.

Terribly Delicious!

We made paneer for supper today since someone who hates curry is in China! Hooray for curry! Turns out there is little I know about Indian cooking, since this recipe doesn't actually involve curry. Matar Paneer

It was terribly delicious just as Pom.Sugar predicted! We would like to highly recommend it, but note that we at least doubled the amount of yoghurt and milk in this dish. Maybe tripled it. We like our sauces saucy!

Notice please how she doesn't like her food touching. On these man-sized dinner plates the naan is practically pushed off the edge while the paneer is cowering over in one corner of the plate, having been scraped back into place several times.

We also made chai afterwards. Or at least she did while I watched. (watched TV that is. well someone had to!)

Plus Minus My Brain

I troubleshooted a calculator today, one where the minus button wasn't working.

I KNOW! I can barely believe people still use calculators rather than excel or the handy calculator in windows. There is almost no instance I could see it being useful or easier, but maybe if the power goes out. And even then... I'd still grab my cell phone.

But I digress. No wait! I KNOW! I can't believe I'm in charge of calculators either, but they plug in or have batteries, so there's that link to IT.

Then I got to watch the proof that the minus button didn't work.

1. First 100 plus 20 equals 120. Good, that worked.
   
2. Then 100 plus negative 20 equals 80. See, that worked too!
3. Now, watch: 100 minus 20 equals 80. Oh.

Ok good! My work here is done. My only question is do I add this to my list of solved problems for the day? Good thing it subtracted some time from my day... Haha, did you see what I did there? Add? Subtract! Yeah, that was funny.

Gratuitous kitty photos

This cat is so docile, that a 5-year old turning his tail into a bracelet and shrieking with laughter doesn't even rate a break in his nap.



And wearing a superman cape for her amusement is all in the line of duty.

Techno-tard

This is the story of how I end up needing to find a new place to put my potted plant.

Look! Little TV is so little! And old! And dusty!






When I first moved out on my own my dad showed up one day, beaming, with a TV and a VCR gift for me. I still have this TV. I love it. I use it. A lot.

(I also still have the VCR, just FYI.)

For the past oh, mumbledee ten? twelve? mumble -how old am I anyway?- some years I have been watching the same TV. I wore out the incredibly handy "previous channel" button about four or five years ago, but aside from replacing the batteries in the remote every once in a while, it just works. It's simple to use and set up. It also came with a set of bunny ears for the times I didn't want to afford to have cable. And when the cable company offered digital or HD I could say "no thanks! I have a tube TV and do not need HD." Generally they would laugh and hang up...

So for the past few years I have been made fun of by every one under the sun for being the most technology-backwards person. I tried to deflect by saying I was waiting for someone to give me a free TV but in reality, well... I actually did want someone to give me a free TV. My friends ridiculed me, my current set and the idea that someone would give me a free TV. I tried winning a TV to no avail.

Then, yesterday, Best Store sent me an email. The store said it had a 32 inch Samsung on sale. It pretty much came right out and said that I needed this TV. That it had great customer reviews. That it had nice specifications. Obviously, I needed this TV. I went home and measured the wall between my bedroom closet and my door and found out that it was exactly 32.5 inches wide. Best of all, when I went into the store and measured the width including bezels with my knitting measuring tape it was only 31.5 inches wide! This was the set for me! Getting it home would be the challenge, but I was up to it!

Being a luddite, I've also been ridiculed for driving an old car. It's paid for, cheap on gas and insurance, still runs well. On the other hand, in the winter I try not to have passengers in the back as the doors don't exactly open. Well the back doors open eventually but it wouldn't be an understatement to say it is more like breaking into my own car involving pliers and broken fingernails; sometimes threats mumbled under my breath. Last night in the parking lot my friend had to put his hoodie up dying of embarrassment.

"Buyin' a big TV but can't afford a decent ride!"
Priorities, my friend!

Getting the TV in the backseat of the car was a fifteen minute procedure, but getting it home and set up was a snap. Then I realized that it was another Samsung! I guess they make the best TVs! Then I realized, not only do they make the best TV sets, they also make the best remote controls. Previous Channel button: check! Ok, I am happy! OH WAIT, how come both sets are switching channels?? AWESOME!! HAPPY? YOU BET! <3



Hereby you may gaze upon the glory of the New Remote next to the much caressed Old Remote.

Lookit has moar buttons!! Yay!


Interestingly enough the channels coming through the bunny ears was 2 seconds faster than through the cable. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and order digital signal too as plain ole cable is just not going to be good enough for me anymore.

I expect great things from my new Samsung TV. I am going to savour the lines and the pixels and a lot more shows. My butt is going to get as wide as my thumb will become strong from pushing the Previous Channel button. You bet! Though, I am disappointed it didn't come with a potted plant holder.

I'm going to hang on to the old set just in case they do not make new TVs like they used to. Hopefully I will not have worn out the Previous Channel button on the New Remote by that time. I probably will use it as a plant holder until then.

My new thing, the slap

I discovered that if you slap your forehead with the whole palm of your hand it makes a nice smack sound. It's really very dramatic. I reserve it for special occasions like when someone calls me on my lunch break to inform me their screen is blank and absolutely no moving of the mouse or banging on the keyboard is bringing up their desktop. Ohnowait! I forgot to turn the power back on.

Well! There's no shame in calling for help before you investigate the basics. *insert slap here*

SEE!! The slap! It's so descriptive!

I've also used it when someone stops by to ask why for the past 2 months their computer has been assigning random letters to the end of file names.

And I say: 2 months?? And this is the first I hear of it?? What kind of random letters?

And they say: Oh well sometimes drawings will get pdf or bmp or jpg, some times word files will get doc...

In that case I go and "fix" their system, and then when retelling the story I *insert slap here* .

I guess though I'll probably end up overusing it in the kind of job I'm doing.

Telefono!

One of the most irritating noise in the world (to me anyway) is a phone that is not being answered.

What do you think?

What's that stink?

Discussion at the office this afternoon was: identify that funk.

Someone said "Does it smell like Sales Office's stinky cheese farts?"
Since we have a sewer problem and it is zero degrees today, I offered "Does it smell like the sewer is unthawing?"
"UN-Thawing? Did you just say un-thawing?"

Hoo-boy did I get knocked around for using unthawing. Much like irregardless it's apparently a pet peeve around here. Still, I wanted to prove my point that unthawing is as much a word as the non-standard and nonsensical irregardless. I looked up unthawing on Wikitionary where it's apparently just fine and informed them of the fact.

Scoffingly "Wikipedia, you may have as well looked it up on Urban Dictionary! Here look on Dictionary.com; it doesn't exist! It's not a word!"

Continuing to prove my point I did look it up on Urban Dictionary:

To freeze. Often used as a synonym for thaw or defreeze, although this is hideously incorrect. It actually means the opposite, when taken literally. Don't argue it. You are wrong.

Pete "The pizza was frozen so I let it unthaw for half an hour."
Willy "Get out of here you hick. And for the record, it's 'thaw'."

Don't argue it. You are wrong. I nearly pulled a stomach muscle I was laughing so hard and the guys were flouncing around going "don't argue it, YOU ARE WRONG! You hick!"

That was Grade 7

M: In a bit of news that's guaranteed to make you feel old, MC Hammer's seminal "U Can't Touch This" turns 20 today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2c4L4CPfQY8
A: I DO feel old.
M: yep!! too funny
A: I remember buying that tape when it came out…ouch.
M: hahahahahaha cassette tape, you ROCK!
A: I wish I still had that tape, although I don’t own a tape player anymore.
M: you can bring your tapes over to my house, I have the technology!!
A: Maria.
The 80’s called. They want their tape player back.
M: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....
no, because I neeed it.

Mean

At my office it doesn't take long for someone to discover treats and raise the alarm. By 'alarm' I do actually mean grown men making fire alarm sounds, whooping sirens and/or shouting "come see! someone brought us treats!"

Today was my breakfast club potluck and I brought a giant dish of fresh fruit, some of which didn't get eaten, so I brought it along to work. I quietly deposited it on the kitchen counter and within about ten minutes it was discovered. Except the alarm was sounded before the lid of the dish was lifted. Ha!

Maximum disappointment = best trick ever! Since my office is right outside the kitchen I got to revel in their disgust each time someone came up to investigate the advertised treats. "FRUIT? WHO WOULD BRING US FRUIT? THAT'S HEALTHY STUFF!"

Rockin' the shades

circa Sept 1981

I'm in the red, Mom's posing, & Melissa's strutting her stuff.

Some random kid in the stroller. Who is that? Definitely not Alex. (I think. Alex never had a faux hawk)

New Year's Reflections

Trying to figure out what I should do with 2010.
I feel I have to work less and be more creative. To start creative juices I started scanning some old slides... they have been waiting a long time to be seen. This four year old me is waiting too. (for fries at the Calgary Zoo)