Family Therapy

After all the family togetherness this season I think it might be appropriate to get some therapy.

But I guess I'll wait until after New Year's when the next batch of family arrive.

Abgelutscht

Oh what fun it is to be... abgelutscht on a staircase by an Oma. Last night at church this Oma I know only slightly was kissing and slobbering all over my cheek. In my revulsion and panic to get away I nearly pushed the old lady down the stairs. Staircase kissing isn't very safe.

Nano!

Nano nano nano nano nano!!! I love my iPod Nano!

You'd think they'd want money

Third only to phone/cell phone companies and banks in the "Unhelpful and annoying customer service phone lines" are utility companies I found out today. You'd think they want money for services provided, but not only can banks not add your utility to your list of billers online, and not only do their websites not accept online payments, neither do their customer service lines!! Yep. That's right, tried the bank online, drove to an ABM, tried online again, tried their website and nothing. Called them and the helpful guy told me that unless my power was being cut off they couldn't process a payment for me.

List # 10047: Spelling mistakes I HATE.

If you know me at all, you know I love lists. Here's one I have always had in the back of my brain.

Spelling mistakes I HATE:

1. Definately
2. Alot
3. of coarse

Look familiar?

Coughing and Sneezing

People who have hacking attacks are so annoying. I can't even convey how much subconcious anger I feel when people get a coughing fit.

Same goes for loud explosive sneezes.

not as smart as me.

I am a true skeptic. If I'm talking to someone, I always start with the assumption that the other person is a total dork.

Usually, I'm right.

Winning

It saddens me to realize that I never win. I am not one of those "golden" people, to whom everything comes easliy, as if they have a lucky horseshoe stuck to their backside. I don't win raffles, I don't win the lottery, I don't win baskets or door-prizes, I don't get the million dollar dream home in the hospital lotteries. It's very sad to realize that I am going to have to work for everything that I want in life. Sort of a tiring thought.

ANGER

I've spent at least two hours calling phone companies and banks today. Still trying to get my personal life sorted out. No one is being very helpful.

I HATE the voice automated robots. You repeat what they say instead of punching in numbers -- and give them your phone number at every single menu level. It's insane! I feel like a total moron talking to myself in my cube mumbling desperately "account information" "billing inquiry" "customer service" "change my address" "help!!"

The best person I did end up speaking to was when I was routed to some completely different department than customer service because my boss walked up and asked me a question thinking I was on hold. I wound up talking to the most competent person in the entire company.

Just now I fired off a nasty email to Telus after their on hold radio station was playing the trees in the parking lot song. I hung up. How anyone thought that THAT song deserved a remake, I'll NEVER understand. I HATE IT. HATE IT!!! I'm SO ANGRY at that song and the stupid on hold music and phone companies!!!

In Passing

Just overheard:

"you look lost in thought..."

"Oh, sorry I didn't notice you there. Yes, to avoid work I walk around the halls very fast and look worried."

Oh oh.

I almost always sit next to a guy on the bus in the mornings. Mostly because he's safe. For one thing I know he won't try to have a chitchat conversation with me, though we normally say "hi" and "how's it going, how was your weekend?". For another thing he gets off after the bus is packed and then thins out, so I will almost always wind up sitting alone and at the window for at least half the trip and don't have to share a seat.

This morning he told me he had a dream about me, in which I was sleeping peacefully. I felt a little weird about that. I didn't ask if it was on the bus or WHY I was being featured in his dream. He's certainly never been in any of mine.

Pollyanna and the talking clock

Sounds like a Nancy Drew mystery.

Ever since my Grandma's eyesight has failed she's had a talking clock. She whacks it across the top and it says "Good Morning/Evening. The time is Nine Fourty Six. The Day is Friday, October 28th." It's quite clever. I've felt a teeny bit cheated though because she associates the voice with my sister, even though when she's talking to the real live versions of us she can't always tell us apart.

Tonight we listened to her favourite cassette: Pollyanna. I feel better now -- or worse about being slighted that my voice isn't the clock... because to my Grandma, when she thinks about my personality and life story, I am Pollyanna.

Oooh ouch!

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life_article.php?id=6965

Evacuation

Until I got my job two years ago I had a hard time understanding how the people in the buildings that got hit on 9/11 ended up staying at their desks. Working with the people I work with now I fully understand how this can happen.

Funny (bad funny) things happen in our building all the time, and when the managers go around telling people "you can leave, if you want, but you could stay and see if it gets any better..." you know that they actually mean, you can leave if you want, however, you're a big pansy and undedicated for not sticking it out. I know people end up staying at their desks -- even though there's a gas leak in the building, or rolling brown-outs, or the water pipes on the 12th floor burst and there's a literal waterfall coming down the elevator shafts and the stairs, or the temperature has reached a maximum of 16 degrees in the dead of a -35 cold snap -- out of guilt.

Today was gas leak day. The amount of time our staff spent in the foyer of the building discussing their guilt about leaving was about 45 minutes. It was ok because the elevators weren't working anyway because it was too windy of a day (long story) so we couldn't have gone back upstairs, but I went out for coffee after about five seconds of dithering. I can't take dithering anymore than I can take a guilt trip by a manager about saftey, which they ought to consider first and foremost.

Take Your Cat To Church Day!

Leaving the church parking lot this morning we drove behind a car with the windows open and a Siamese cat enjoying some fresh air...

Importance: High

I hate that red exclamation point (!) that the executive admins put on all of their email. I think they must have their outlook pre-programmed that all their email goes out with High Importance.

I think it must be some way to over-compensate for Low Self-Worth or Just Want Attention or to let you know that My Panties Will Be In A Twist If You Ignore Me.

Please, please stop. Every email is dealt with in the order that it is received. No exceptions. And please don't call me to follow up. I'll call you when I am working on your item and only if I have a question.

Acronym soup

In a conversation I once absent-mindedly (and innocently) asked "what does that acronym stand for?" which led to the most hilarious session of What It Could Stand For.

Today at work as I was daydreaming in a meeting, and I supposed that it would be quite funny to be talking to your colleagues when they think you are discussing Electronic Document Management (EDM) but you're really talking about Electric Dancing Monkeys. Or Eleven Donkey Manes. Or Elves Doing the Mambo.

New House

Today I bought a house! Yippee!!

MindTravellers Inc.

Walking to a meeting today I past a pretty much unremarkable storefront window that was completely empty. On a page they'd printed their name -- MindTravellers Inc. -- and some contact information. I wondered what kind of a store or shop MindTravellers could be.

It could be:

• People who travel without leaving the comfort of their lay-Z boy
• Travellers who travel in order to learn new things about places and cultures
• Travellers who travel in order to attend faraway universities and colleges
• a group that move through crowds jumping from one brain to another brain, much like train-jumping, much like evil mind-robbing aliens, in order to get to interesting places

That's all I thought of in the time it took me to get to where I was going. Interesting name though.

Amendment

To yesterday's entry about bad drivers I would like to add: those who wonder about turning left at a red light. Yep. Tonight.

That sure freaked me out -- sitting in the middle of a pretty much deserted street, but nevertheless in the middle of the intersection, trying to turn left at a red light.

Bad drivers

You know, this might be a dead-horse-flogging sort of topic, but I'm continually surprised when I am a passenger in a vehicle of people I trust... you'd think that by my excellent and intelligent choice of friends, I would know people who don't commit driving offenses. Such is not the case.

My particular favourites are barrelling up to a red light and turning right without stopping, second only to cutting off a driver turning right when turning left.

Sigh.

A LOT

I don't think I can convey my annoyance enough when I get business emails where someone has misspelled the words a and lot as one word -- alot.

As in "Thanks a lot!"

It is not one word. Not ever.
Spread the word... I mean, words.

Greetings

The Germans make a huge deal about greeting one another.

The other thing they totally make a huge deal about is greeting people, for you, when they travel.

I totally don't get it in this day and age anymore. I mean... by the time that I send greetings with you to my sister in Winnipeg, I'll have talked on the phone with her. Twice. At very least.

Pink boots

Yesterday on the way home I watched this little kid being towed along by her mother out of the bus window. She was wearing pink rubber boots. Pink Boots was about three years old and she would step-kick, step-kick, step-kick. Her older sister was walking on ahead of them with a box of timbits, and her brother was on the other side of the mom. Our bus stopped at the bus stop for a while to unload a passenger in a wheelchair. When the bus finally drove on down the street I saw a pink boot lying on the sidewalk... but no little girl in sight. When we got way down to the end of the block the mother was standing there laughing while Pink Boots stood with one sock and one pink boot, while her sister with the timbits ran back all the way down the street to fetch the boot.

I wish I had pink rubber boots

Friday coffee

I caved and had a coffee today. It's Friday, I had a long hard week. I deserve it.

The Addict

Hello, my name is Maria.
(Hi Maria!)
I'm addicted to Coffee. It's been one day since my last coffee.

The story is that my boss and I go for Starbucks every day. It adds up. So we're not going to do it any more we decided: No More Coffee.

As my boss is in Nepal for five weeks weaning herself off coffee is easy. Me, not so easy.

The person in the cube next to me makes coffee in her cube every morning. Every morning it smells so good. It smells like warm dark yummy coffee. It smells like Sunday mornings at my Grandpa's house. It makes me feel happy. It makes me hungry for some porridge.

I wish I could just lick her stirring spoon.

Cell Phone Dilemma

Earlier this week I got called to come into the office of one of our top IT people, a woman that I respect a great deal for her intelligence, tenacity and general all-around goodness. She's an interesting person, and when I got to her office she had her cell phone lying open like a tent under the desk lamp... like she was trying to heat it up. Periodically during our meeting she'd grab the cell phone, wipe it, close it, open it, shake it, punch in some numbers and sigh and shake her head. Eventually she explained that she'd dropped it into some water and was hoping to dry it out under the lamp.

Eventually she explained that while she was in the bathroom her phone accidentally slipped out of her suit jacket and fell into the toilet. She'd already lost one cell phone this way and wasn't pleased about the possibility of having to replace this new expensive gadget. "But shh... don't tell anyone!"

Funnier yet than her dropping cell phones repeatedly into the toilet is the fact that I know another woman in our office who's dropped hers more than once into the toilets too.

Cold Day

When it's cold and windy outside the elevator doors in this building don't close. Moving in an elevator to another floor involves people pushing the doors together from the outside and inside. It's an interesting bonding experience for all the staff in this building.

The temperature in the building is around 19 degrees.

Also we have no hot water today. It really is a cold day, all around.

Go fish

Crazy friend has decided that he wants to try something new.
Which never happens.
Weirder yet, he's decided to try a new fish...

...except we live in the Prairies.

We're not known for our good or fresh fish.

Contest Winners

Remember the PIG?? Well I won second place in the garden picture contest, out shone only by a woman who set up a slug bar in her backyard (all part of her war on slugs this summer) called Slugweegee's Bar and Grill. Note the slugs perched on the tiny lounge chairs...

Banana Guard

I need one of these!
http://www.bananaguard.com/

Keep yer ears warm!

Based on the fact that Canada is cold, my Grandma who is moving here on Monday let my sister know that we must go wig shopping for her, and get a nice warm, fluffy wig. She is afraid that the extreme cold winter will mean her head will get cold. In fact, she is afraid of any draft on her body, but especially on her head. Drafts -- that's what German Grannies worry about. A lot.

"Mach die tür zu! Es zieht!"

So far so good...
Actually, it's looking great. Ilona painted the ceiling and the walls. I did all the edging.

Life is so cool

This is possibly the funniest blog I've read ever. I don't think it's supposed to be funny, but it just is. Read the entry "She's Boyfriend" and "Chat 1" which contains Hello Kitty Chicks laughing "kkkkk!"

I got busted at work by Lisa for goofing off because I was laughing kkkkkk! in my cube.

Velcro

Marcella and Andrea and I overheard a conversation at the mall. It was odd that all three of us were listening in on it, and the best was that we all three burst out laughing, probably as long and as loudly as we have laughed in a good long while...

A man was pushing his wife in a wheelchair through The Bay lingerie section and remarked to her in a very loud, incredulous voice, as if what he was about to say was the next great invention or the solution to a worldwide problem "you know what? do you know what I just don't understand? I can't figure out how come they haven't made a bra yet that closes... with velcro!"

Granted: velcro is useful. Very useful. In fact, it's probably one of the top 20-or-so inventions of the 20th century. It's application though, however useful the invention is, has its limitations.

The New Mattress

This afternoon we had a mattress set delivered by two guys -- one was named Don who couldn't get enough of our house (just loved it) and his partner a little guy who didn't say a word. The little guy went to throw the plastic wrap into the truck while Marcella and I helped drag the old mattress to the stairs... and Don called out "hey! Marcello! Get in here!" We both went "hey!! Marcello?" and Don said "yeah, he's from Mexico. He wants to see snow -- so he came up here and he's not leaving until April next year, can you believe it??"

We introduced Marcello to Marcella and he pointed and laughed this funny little laugh and said "Ha ha, we could get married!"

Mr. Samosa Hut

The best places for East Indian food in Edmonton is on the southside, particularly in Millwoods, deep in the hood some where off the beaten path. I thought we'd pretty much discovered all the gems, but my sister and I drove past Danny Hacksaws Neighbourhood Pub 'n Grub the other day and noticed a tiny little stored called Mr. Samosa Hut. We figured it might be a nice Friday night take-out with our good friend Natalie and two Patrick Swayze movies from the late 80's. So the three of us wandered into this cute little place which had the most amazing buffet ever! Cute little tables, flowers everywhere, and great staff. Needless to say we got our samosas to stay, and ate our fill of the buffet besides. It's going to be our new favourite place. The naan was piping hot and fluffy enough to use as a pillow.

Bus reading

"... are these books really any good? Do they really say anything to us? Only the very immature and the very stupid are impressed by the depraved."

- from The Sunday Philosophy Club

(on why people read convicted murderers books)

Hat

http://www.notmartha.org/tomake/funnyhat.html
I want this hat!!

Gummy Bears

Two women on the bus today were in a loud discussion. It was minorly annoying until I started listening in on their conversation. It was "Things That Smell Like Gummy Bears."

So cute...

Patrick told me today that all men (or boys) need lots and lots of encouragement when they do positive things. Everyone wants to feel special, but especially males. Who knows why.

When he vacuums and his wife says "thank you" he tells her "I thought someone should vacuum. I didn't want it to be you." (for extra bonus points or just to be cute?)

When he unloads the dishwasher and his wife says "I appreciate your effort, thank you" he says "I thought someone should unload the dishwasher... I didn't want it to be you."

Birthdays

I am bad at remembering everyone's birthday. I refuse to feel bad about it. I can only think of so many important things in my life. If I remember them, then they should be happy.

I count on everyone to self-advertise their birthday if they want presents.

Speaking of which I have decided presents are a silly waste of money. I would be much happier if I could get everyone to keep their money for the birthday gift they'd buy me. Then they could take all that money (from the whole year of not buying other people presents) and buy themselves the big expensive gift they really want.

I would do the same. The outcome would be self-indulgent happy people, and the world would make sense once again!

The Organic Duck

Last night I went out for dinner with my friend to this tiny, trendy place on Whyte and had "The Organic Duck, with saskatoon berry glaze and a vegetable medley." The waiter kept referring to it as "The Organic Duck" as if "The Organic Duck" was its Proper Name.

Now in my memory I've never had duck before but I'm sure that a duck has the same bone structure and consistency of any other bird. I know it's quite a fatty bird, and has dark meat. I imagine it to be like the dark meat of a turkey. In any case, I am 99% sure that though it was tasty and delicious, it was not an Organic duck, nor any bird of any kind. I think it might have been lamb, but didn't taste as gamey as the lamb my Grams makes. It was medium rare, tough as a steak, and kind of light-pink. Super odd.

The waiter kept coming back to our table and asking "Ladies... and how is The Organic Duck?" And we were both like "Yum! Great!" too embarrassed to say "what are we really eating??"

It might have been a kitchen joke.

The Chef says to the waiter "Another organic duck? But we've only got one left! You'll have to tell the girls at table eight that we ran out of the special tonight."

"But that's so embarrassing! It's a Monday night, there's barely a handful of people in here... I know! Just prepare the lamb and I'll keep refering to it as The Organic Duck and they'll never tell the difference!" the waiter replies.

It really was good, whatever it was.

Sweatpants

Waiting for my sister in the car outside BestBuy on Saturday evening I watched this man and his wife enter the store. His wife was wearing a wrinkley windbreaker/sweatpants combo. He was wearing green sweatpants -- with cuffs.

Yes, green cuffed sweatpants. He also was wearing a long sleeved black shirt under a short sleeved black t-shirt. T-shirts tucked in. Into his pants. The afore-mentioned green sweats with cuffs.

While tucking in the shirt he probably thought to himself "this will make the whole outfit a little more dressy."

Alex in jail...

Bad Terrible Waste of Money

Don't go see The Constant Gardener. It was a great film, but a total waste of $15. Seriously, the documentary-style camera jiggling made me so ill that by half way through the movie I had to close my eyes or else I would have puked. Afterward my friend and I were going to go out for coffee -- we decided to take a rain check and we were both worried about how we were going to drive home.

I was a great film though. Well worth renting and viewing on the smallest screen you can find.

Notorious P-I-G

This is going to be the winning entry in the Garden Picture contest at work next week. I can just feel it.

Soup Stone

Maria makes borscht. Ingredients compliments of Patrick.

Lime & Mint

Mmm... fresh peppermint from Patrick's garden makes great peppermint tea. I like mine with a slice of lime.

This morning my brother saw the peppermint steeping and told me in a knowing voice "you can't make peppermint tea from fresh leaves. They have to be dried." Pffft!! HA! It doesn't turn dark and horrible tasting from fresh leaves -- is what I told him.

Close enough

On Tuesday afternoon, as I was leaving work, I nearly got run over in an intersection with five other people by this girl in a red VW Jetta who was yakking on a cell phone trying to turn right -- but trying to turn right quickly by speed around us. It's getting so bad you can hardly walk without getting run over in the city! So... I reached out and touched her. Seriously. I was close enough she nearly drove over my toes and the toes of the woman next to me. Luckily I was wearing my butt-kickin' boots.

I kicked the car so hard it left a mark, right behind the tire. Everyone else in the intersection cheered and someone said "That's right! You tell her!" She sped away. Too bad, otherwise she would have gotten a piece of my mind to go with that mark I left.

Random Worry of the Day

Quite often I have a random worry of the day. Usually it's cigarette ashes flying into my eye, or dried-flaked-off-pigeon-poo flying into my eye on a windy day.

Today I am worried about my wheels falling off my axel. Or rather, the other way around. I'm afraid that I'm missing some of the bolts that keep the body of the car attached to the wheels, and specifically that at some point I'm going to step on the brakes hard and the body of the car will keep going.

Hello?

Today on my phone I got a wrong message for Dick's Performance.

I think it might be a joke

Nekkid

I talk a lot about naked and being naked and nakedness. I do. I know it's juvenile but it makes me snicker. I'm actually a "say-no-to-nudity" kind of gal, but whatever. So when a book called "Naked" is on at half price at Costco I can't say no.

It was kind of an odd book, but I laughed very hard, especially the last chapter in which he goes to a nudist camp.

In SQooL

Here I am in school again for a two day course. I do like school, I like geeky stuff and this is a supreme geek SQL course. Lovely!

Except the teacher thinks this is rocket science, and so far it really isn't. I wish I could hurry him along, but I've noticed that some of the students who use SQL in their real jobs are struggling with some very basic concepts like Boolean. (arg!) Also interesting about this course is that the five students cover just about every age, gender, race, and other category you could possibly think of. I'm the only white person.

I win!

On Friday night I went out with a guy friend to a movie.

Afterwards we went to BP's for snacks. There, I saw a table with five girls, one a friend from high school, her little sister, a friend that lives with a friend of mine, and twins that used to be in my Bible study. I went over to say "hi."

But I was in BP's with a boy. So I win!

Why?

My aunt recently asked me why in the world would I still be single. I don't actually know why, except for turning down guys that are boring, rude or ugly... but besides those obvious reasons, why not? Lately I have been going out with an awful lot of "nice" guys who are just so nice. No flirting, no teasing, no joking, no touching.

It's like going out with my brother. There's polite and good conversation but it's just not very interesting.

Living with girls vs. living with boys

Living with my brother we must (we Must!) wash and dry every dish before going to bed. We must also fold our tea towels in eighths the long way, snap them, and then hang them to dry on the door. But we eat well. Because we have to feed him.

Living with only my sister the past two weeks, the midol is out on the counter and we haven't had any bread product (excepting frozen pizza) in the house in about 10 days.

We love tools!

From: Maria
Sent: Sunday, August 07, 2005 4:12 PM
To: Mom&Dad
CC: Marcella
Subject: We love tools!

Dad,

We love your tool box… thanks for leaving us all your tools and raising us to be competent girls! :) All the times we’ve watched you fix something that you just know you can inspired us yesterday.

The story:

Marcella was mowing the lawn. The second time she had to start the mower, the pull cord which was frayed, ripped right out of the starter. She had a priceless look of horror on her face! It was very funny.

At first we thought, “well maybe we can take it in to get fixed?” but then we noticed there were only three nuts holding that thing on the top of the mower. Three nuts is nothing!

So we went and got a 8mm wrench to take the three nuts off the top of the mower and took the starter part off and then in the garage we took a 10 mm nut unscrewer and we unscrewed that main nut and took it all apart. We went a little too far and took it all apart and had to stick the spring back in and wind it up. First we thought we would just shorten the pull cord a bit, however when we put it all together and back on the mower it didn’t turn enough times to get it started. Then we examined the rope and thought it looked awfully familiar as the rope we use for practically everything from running around with the cat to tying the canoe to the roof rack and keeping the raspberries tied up. So we borrowed a length from the raspberries and the new rope was much easier to work with. Wound up the spring and attached the pull cord. Now the mower starts better than ever!

Last night at Gusses’ they were all shocked that we could fix a lawnmower! Everyone says “hi” by the way.

When I talked to Onkel Reinhard last night he said that he could have come and fixed it for us, but good for us girls! And Tante Heidi laughed and laughed and said that we must be from the same side of the tree that Ilona and Oma and our Dad are from, the independent “I can fix-it myself” side!

Yay for us! Thanks Dad!
From your girlies!

Heritage Days!

Today I'm hoping to make it to Heritage Days in the park... the fun summer time event which involves food. And countries. But mostly food.

I have been terrible at updating this blog. But I'm not sorry. I've been busy with other things.

Update

Haven't updated for a while, things have been busy and slow... I can't let you in on the busy stuff and the slow stuff is boring.

I also was on holidays for a couple of weeks in July. Maybe I'll be more faithful with updates soon.

Here's a thought: I really don't love short shorts on people when they get all sweaty and start climbing up into their crotch. Come on people! Just say "no!"

A shocking amount of goose poop in the park!

more flooding in Calgary!

Flooding in Calgary. Shakespeare in the Park happens here all summer... uh-oh!

Maria and Marcella bake pie.

Look how excited I am to participate in the 5K walk/run!

Then on my way home I got my camera out in time to chase this guy down to get a picture of his license plate... it reads IMA HOG -- so funny! 

Today: A life changing event.

Today: A life changing event. Went to a work conference and was the only person out of at least 500 who remembered my camera to get a picture of Stuart McLean! He kindly obliged the group that wanted to get in on my picture. After I said "Mister McLean, since I was the only one to remember my camera and I'm a huge fan would you be in a picture with just me?" and he said "sure! C'mere!" and grabbed me in a bear hug! Whoo!

Look at me fly!! 

Today I saw the Queen! And Ralph Klein! 

the oil refinery down the road blows up... or the sunset lights up the clouds orange and yellow. 

Fear

I'm going to Canadian Tire to buy some weed killing stuff smelling faintly like bacon...

Good morning sunshine! 

Sour cream

Today in a freak lunch-grabbing accident I took a tub of sour cream to work.

Surprisingly (for those of you who know me) I was disappointed when I got to work.

Here is our new silver thingy. It is attached to the toilet, thereby making it look like a space rocket. Very snazzy! 

I was looking at worksheet of potential slogans... how would you like to send your all important work to a place that advertises with a slogan like:

if you're not satisfied, we don't sleep well!

I just want to append that with "satisfied with us. in bed. at night." Ha ha!

20 variations on the innovation/quality/saving money/challenge thing such as:

• innovation is the rule/norm (I'd like to read it as "Innovation is the rule, Norm!")
• higher standards are the norm (yawn)
• innovation/quality is our edge (another slogan with a / how cute)
• quality and speed without compromise (that’s right! you get both so we can charge you more!)
• we have a will and a way (ooh, ambiguous and sort of threatening-scary!)
• quality that exceeds/excels! (dear customer, we can’t make up our minds, you’ll get one or the other!)
• working harder through innovation (what?)

actually the best (cheesiest) one is:

want to be entertained?
call a psychic.
want results?
call us today!

That had me laughing out loud. Ah, people trying hard are so amusing!

The perfectly horrible terrible no-good day.

Ok so here's the story of my perfectly horrible day:

Woke up early. Petted my cat. Cat peed on my leg. Yelled at cat. Showered. Had a terrible web day at work, random server and deletion problems I won't go into here but they were considerable and terrible. Went voting, got reprimanded for not having two pieces of ID with photo AND addresses (think about this... how much ID with your address do you carry?) and had to stand in long line-ups. Dinner with the family, no problems. After dinner driving along my window went down and wouldn't come back up. What else could go wrong??

That was my toe you caught your claw in, Minnow

Never play with the pointy end of a cat when you aren't wearing socks.

Oh my!

I got an email today from a woman I worked with up until last month. She and her husband moved to a city near the middle of this country. She emailed me to tell me that she was fine and that their new house was great and she is doing ok. And an incredibly funny story… I don’t think it was supposed to be funny, but it was to me.

She and her husband got lost coming driving into their new city at 3 am in their moving truck. They were both tired and cranky, and so was their dog. On some level I understand what would drive you to do what she did next, but on some level I can only shake my head. Instead of calling Information, that is 411, she dials 911 and asks for the phone number of a cab company. The helpful female operator gets to the bottom of this strange call and gives my dear former colleague minute directions -- and stays on the line until they get home. What they wanted with a cab company I’m really not sure, she didn’t say. Perhaps she expected a cab driver to come find them and then lead them home.

The funniest and scariest part of this story is the thought process that would let someone call 911 when they are lost.

I'm not laughing

A few weeks ago a woman was transferred to our floor and I remarked to someone that it will not be fun for us to have to listen to her horrible nervous laugh from now on. True enough our waking work hours have been haunted by machine-gunfire "ah-a-a-a-a-a" every few minutes or so. It's worse for me because I'm in the same cube farm as she is, besides the fact that nervous laughers irritate me.

Today riding up the elevator I overheard her telling someone "oh yes, that's me, the one with the horrible laugh..." and I was horrified. Wouldn't you do something about it if your laugh was horrible and you knew it?? Especially if you knew that others thought so too?? Needless to say I was not amused.

I was kind of shocked, wouldn't you try to laugh in a different way and see if you could train yourself? I would. First maybe I'd try tittering, then gufawing, then giggling, then belly-laughing. Eventually one of those would become a habit I'm sure.

Oh Humanity!

Today on the way to the bus stop on the way home someone from Amnesty International had stopped someone to get a donation from them. It was a very hairy man, on a very small bike, with absolutely no shirt covering his pot-belly, but who did however have a very large, fully stuffed backpack on his back.

I think Amnesty International should do something about shirtless wonders on bikes. Save us all.

At family lunch on Sunday, me and my bro were had... "what? there's a scratch on the lense??" 

Read me like a book

If I ever wrote a book and if it were about guys and interpreting signals, I think I'd have to point out all the idiotic little things they do that are a dead give away that they like you.

Like: showing you their scars, saying "hey you..."and telling you that they always like to do the rebel-thing. If I had a nickel for everytime someone told me they liked to do the rebel-thing, I'd be very, very rich.

Yelling

Ever raise your voice at someone at work and get in trouble from your boss for yelling at someone?

Some days, make that every day, I get really tired of working with stupid people.

Readers' Digest

Confession: I'm an on-the-bus, over-the-shoulder reader.

So there's this guy on the bus who reads Reader's Digest. (note that it should be Readers' Digest, except for on those days where I'm reading over his shoulder...) The only thing is that he must get them for 10 cents a copy at the Goodwill, because he's got them from 1987 and 1992 and it doesn't seem to bother him. It does however bother me.

I don't get it.

There's an awful lot in this world I totally don't get. One of the things is guys. One of the specific things about guys is emails. A guy I barely dated three years ago started sending out email petitions lately and somehow I am on his list of "friends." (Mind you that this is the guy who had a screaming fit at me which resulted in the I-never-want-to-see-or-talk-to-you-ever-again conversation.) Why is he emailing me??

Left-handed

I am not left-handed, but I am fairly ambidextrous... for example I can mouse better with my left than with my right hand. Last week at lunch we were talking about left-handed wiping as they do in Nepal, so their right hands always stay super clean for shaking, etc. I doubt that I am that adept.

Bring your toddler to work day - Today!

Today the cube-neighbour brought her Meghan to work. Disappointingly the child is quite cute.

Winds-day

Here's what I worry about... hot ash flying into my eye. This week has been incredibly windy and people out on the street are smoking. Doesn't anybody else worry that their still-hot ashes are flying about hitting strangers? Possibly in the eye??

People suck.

Ear wiggies

How do you tell your boss that at a meeting she asked you to attend in her stead you couldn't concentrate and didn't have any idea what was going on because the guy beside you had gewbie things in his ears and it was so distracting you didn't pay any attention to what he was saying?

The captain sinks with the ship

Yesterday afternoon at about quarter to four, the building I work in sprung a leak somewhere on the 12th floor. Of course we're on the 2nd floor, so it took some time to start gushing down the stairs and elevator shafts. By some time, I mean a minute or two, and then we all were asked to evacuate. Today I'm at work again. The entire building smells like wet carpet and only one elevator wasn't damaged, but we're all here. Apparently the first out the door yesterday was the CEO.

Life's too short... so finish your smoke

Homemade sign taped up at the front of the bus today:

SMOKERS:
Please finish your
smoke a few minutes
before getting on our bus.
Don't litter.
Thanks.

Wednesday at lunch

Three of us went out and hit a consignment store in the neighbourhood that specializes in expensive brand names at not really reduced prices. This crazy wrinkly old German saleslady was helping me. I tried on this short knit sweater and I turned to Brenda and said “how’s this? Are the sleeves too short?” The saleslady came right up into my face and poked me in the shoulder and said “THIS is KNIT. Now when you get home you wrap this sweater in a wet towel and then put it on, and then -- now hold tight and tell me if I pinch you, (grabbing my shoulder) then you take this top seam and the bottom of your sleeve and pull like THIS.” She starts reefing on my arm like she wanted to wrench it out of its socket!

I was a little shocked (and very amused) and looked at Brenda who immediately turned around and started laughing. She continued “now, with the body of the sweater you can do the same. Shoulders back! Stand up straight!” and she starts yanking on the bottom of the sweater, thereby extending it three inches over my butt… even though I protested that it was fine.

All of a sudden there was this tearing sound and she looked up at me surprised and I giggled and Brenda almost peed herself. She'd torn the plastic tag right off!

Absolutely annoying

I find it super irritating to go into coffee shops and see a little homemade magic-marker sign that has a variation on "Minimum debit transaction $3.00 or we will add $0.50 to your purchase." That's totally a rotten deal, for one thing either jack up your prices to include the occasional customer who uses debit on a transaction for a $1.50 coffee -- or view it as part of your overhead, and (guess what?) include that in the prices you charge your customers!

Recently I was in a coffee shop with no such sign posted and I ordered a drink, the drink was made, placed on the counter in front of me and when I pulled out my debit the woman flashed a triumphant grin and said "You can't use debit for puchases under $5.00!" I said that I was sorry but didn't have any change on me so they could cancel my order and turned to sit with my friend who already had her beverage. The woman consulted with another staff member on the issue and came to the table to tell me that she could sell me a drink after all, but they would have to charge me $1.00 for the transaction. I got kind of angry at this point and told them they had no such sign pointing out any such fee and they could forget the drink.

It seems to be primarily Asian owned coffee shops that do this to their customers. Why??

People with Children

There's this woman at work who makes sure that her daughter Meghan is mentioned at every possible opportunity. She'll come in and someone will say "good morning" which is her cue to let everyone know how Meghan did being dropped off at daycare this (and every) morning -- good or otherwise. Then someone will say to someone else "how was your weekend" which of course leads to a story about Meghan's weekend was. On Friday someone will say "have a nice weekend" which is a cue to let everyone know what Meghan has planned for the weekend.

At lunch today I was offered a grape. I said "no thank you, I don't particularily care for grapes" which was neither true nor a lie, but I just didn't feel like eating someone else's lunch. Would you believe it, Meghan doesn't like grapes either! Someone else complained that she'd brought leftovers but the noddles were overcooked so she was planning on eating only the vegetables in the dish. Would you believe that Meghan does the exact same thing when presented with a dish she doesn't care for!? Wow, it's like we're all long lost twins of Meghan! We love Meghan! Meghan please come in and work with us!

Pain in the ear...

Biggest pet peeve today: people who talk to you on hands-free. It's been my experience that men (usually) don't think you'll be able to tell if they've got you on speaker phone, but it's totally loud, completely distracting and every time they put down their coffee cup or move papers it blows your ear drums! What a pain!

Weird

Don't you hate it when people name their kids something ordinary like Corey and then decide to be cute and spell it with a K? It kind of bugs me when I see names spelled like Kris or Alyson or Ami. If all they want is to be different, why not just pick an unusual name for their child?? Like Z'Anne instead of plain old boring Anne. Oh no wait, that's weird too.

Committees at work

So today I had a committee meeting of this certain committee (one of a few I am on) and no one showed up except for the woman recording the minutes and one other person.

It shall go down in history as the most productive committee meeting ever. Lots of decisions made, lots of tasks assigned... to other people on the committee.

No Rash Decisions

Does anyone else get a rash when presented with some horrible work that they'll have to spend hours fixing? Really? You don't?

Huh. ... me neither.

Hackysack Plague

Last night, I was standing at the stop downtown and a couple of guys were kicking around a hacky-sack when a girl they knew walked by and said hi and started watching. Before you knew it the one guy kicked it straight up and caught it in his MOUTH. To impress?? Who knows. You should have seen the looks on his friends faces! It was a look of horror and repulsion and I laughed right out loud. The one kid was like "Dude! That's SICK, that thing's been in garbage cans and sh*t!! It's been on the ground where DOGS take a crap! You're going to catch the PLAGUE and DIE!!!"

Later on the bus the girl had a pepsi and the guy asked if he could have a drink and you could see she was trying to be cool and really wanted to let him but she was thinking about the hackysack in the mouth thing... finally she handed it over and said "but don't drink it all!" which of course was a direct challenge. On the plus-side, there's no chance of catching the plague.

Now selling

Costco sells caskets. I know! Is there anything that they don't carry??

You've got to be kidding!

Ever hear someone's voice and turn around to look at them like "you've got to be kidding?"

Going to school

Not eating my eraser this Saturday morning, but I am back in school. Get to sit next to a nose-whistler. Just like elementary school.

Post Update

So I'm moved into my cube, starting to like my post and this space. It's kind of quiet with a post on one side and a wall on the other, and only one guy next door who plays muzak all day long. That's wearing a little thin, but otherwise I'm pretty happy. Oh and also except for every person who walks past my cube stopping and saying "how's it going? like your new space?" Here's an updated for everyone: YES. Yes, I like my new space. Yes, the post feng shui sucks. The poison arrows of the sharp corners are pointed straight at the back of my head. GOT IT. Shut up and GO AWAY!!

Post

We're moving offices. I get to move two cubicles down, which hardly seems worth it. Especially since I was practically volunteered to move into a cubicle with a 3 x 3 foot post in the middle of it. There is some room for a chair to slide out from under the desk, but barely. The reason I get this lovely spot? I don't really do anything that involves moving away from my computer anyhow...

So, I've come up with a brilliant plan - I need to make the post more friendly by coming up with a good use for it (like for example a "beat head here" target holder) or a good name for it. That'll make it friendlier and more sympathetic.

Or pathetic.

I'll keep you posted! Aha ha ha ha!

But... what about you?

I was telling a colleague about people bringing over dinners for us now that my mom is sick. On Tuesday we had a huge roaster brought over with chicken and all kinds of vegetables and a salad and even a beautiful strawberry dessert made with fresh strawberries and cream. Yum!

Last night dinner showed up and it was turkey dinner. Potatoes and rice, steamed carrots, steamed cauliflower, steamed brussle sprouts, and a salad, enough gravy to float my boat, and stuffing and homemade cranberry sauce. Topped off by cooked chocolate pudding and a homemade plum cake. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

My colleague said "but... what about you? Don't these people realize that you're fully capable of cooking for your family?"

Well, it's not like I'm tricking them into bringing food...

Back to the grind...

I had a couple days off to take care of my mom who was at home sick... came back to an absolute panicked boss and co-workers. Kind of nice to know I was missed!

Unfortunately it means three hours of slogging through emails and catching up projects for the next couple of days. Oh well! At least I had a couple of beautiful sunny days at home doing what I love best: reading!

P.S.

You were probably wondering what happened with my new best friend today?? Well today for the fifth time this week I had to explain to her that it was impossible for us to change our splash page for our homepage because it was built in flash and can only handle text-only XML components. I think the computer words "only" and "text" confused her.

"But how about we add a logo graphic instead of text?" "No."
"Could we make this an extra button?" "No. And those elements aren't buttons. They're Flash, it's a whole picture, think of it as a flat one screen movie."
"How about we could change the font to a larger size." "No. It's an XML portion imbedded in Flash. We can't change the font."

She went to my boss and checked with her. (grr!) "Maria said that I can't change this page..." My boss said "what are you checking with me for? Maria's right. If Maria says it can't be changed it can't be changed, you can depend on it. I can't give you a different answer than that, and I'll give you the same reason -- it's built in Flash. We can't change it. We know it sucks but we can't change it."

She wanted to add: and don't come and ask me to change Maria's answer ever again!

And now you all know why we're called the "No" Girls around the office.

Staff Planning Day

Today we had a Staff Planning Day. It was as boring as it sounds excepting, of course, the unit updates. We had Celebrity Hollywood Squares done by our team and I was Where's Waldo and Martha Stewart, a sock puppet/Barenaked Ladies performance by the ever creative Resource Development group, and a hilarious Research Hit Mix 2005 Album that highlighted great hits by the Research group this year. But the rest of it was a complete waste of a day... or maybe I'm just one of those employees who don't really need to have a say of what the department does. We had exercises that seemed to be really managerial with setting up hypothetical budgets for hypothetical important projects that we could decide about. Kind of a waste of a day... except they let us out at 2pm. Whoo!

Logging off

I have a new best friend at work. She doesn't know how to turn her computer on. She doesn't know how to link in an email. She doesn't know how to use the internet.

She came to my desk today to ask me what the IT guy meant when he asked her to log off her computer before she left. I showed her: click on start, then choose log off. She didn't think she had a start button on her machine, so I had to go with her to check.

Apparently she does know enough to change her settings. Her back drop is a cute puppy, her task bar is up the right side of the window, her start button really doesn't say start. Why do people mess with their settings and then expect help??

What a waste

Our department meeting on Friday will be a spectacular event. All the units have to present a five minute update on last year's projects and a heads-up on new projects. It's always been a time for units to out-do each other. Even in five minutes.

This year I get to be Where's Waldo in our project update. I'm telling ya, it's going to be spectacular!

Retail Therapy

Went out at lunch to do some shopping, only to arrive at the corner of the street where I thought there was a certain shop, only to find a different one there. For some reason, even though I knew that that one was there too, I was suprised.

So no retail therapy for me at lunch. How disappointing.

Sneezing

Sometimes when you're asleep on the bus and someone sneezes three times really loudly on to the back of your head, don't you just want to get up and smack them and then throw them off the bus for spreading germs?

Sneaky suspicion

I always have this sneaky suspicion that the drycleaners don't actually clean my stuff... just return it to me ironed. How do they do it? Do they use soap but no water? Ultraviolet radiation?

Especially suspicious is this place that advertises Martinizing brand of dry cleaning. Martinizing : Slave labour Martians?

Cards for guys

Here's a great business opportunity, creating a line of cards for guys... you could come up with all kinds of pseudo-serious card categories and have the funniest cards with all kinds of wild statements in them. Like "thanks for distracting the hot blonde girl's ugly friend last night" "Please remember, I owe you 15 beers next time we go out" "Dude, sorry that I always puke in your car, we can take mine next time." Too bady guys don't really go into card stores.

Maybe in my next life I should write cards... that would be an interesting fun job! I'll have to keep that in mind when I'm contemplating my next job change.

Anxiety

I have a certain amount of anxiety about people making fun of a character trait or one of my habits... isn't there always a grain of truth to sarcasm?

Office supplies

I am so lame... for leaving this so long and then starting with such a lame topic.

So the most exciting thing that has happened to me lately is shopping for office supplies. I got all geeked about standing in front of rows and rows of nice new pens and pencils in packages, and envelopes and folders and important office stuff. I felt about seven years old, like I was getting ready for "back to school" - enough to know it was going to be monumental at first with all new stuff, but then kind of a let down to know that once you've got the pencils unwrapped and sharpened and have taken the first bite out of the brand new eraser, it's just back to the grind for another year.

Except that I don't go to school anymore, so my life is back to the grind... every single day.