Schwetty...

A douchebag I sit across from bikes to work and I'm guessing his trip is about 15 km in the mornings, it takes him about an hour. Often by the time he comes into work he'll have muscle cramps and hurting bits so on occasion he has asked me for Advil or Ibuprofin, because all girls are a source of band-aids and personal-care supplies. Yesterday he comes in and I didn't take notice of him due to headphones. Not much of a morning person anyway, but I'm listening to music to drown out the chitchat and arguing this group really seems to enjoy. Douchebag comes up behind me and pokes me in the shoulder; I turn around and he's not just still gasping for breath, but he's also dripping with sweat. Gigantic beads of sweat dripping onto his shoulders and onto the floor of my cubicle. He's holding a sandwich baggie full of Advil and says: "Hey why don't you help yourself to some of these since I'm always asking you for some of yours!"

Looks legit, I'd say! Being offered a sandwich baggie of Advil by a guy drowning in his own sweat... I wave him off and tell him it's no problem and I'm good for Advil. I do not throw up into his baggie of sweaty Advil, so way to go me!

After which he goes to the kitchenette beside his cubicle (directly kitty-corner from where I sit) and proceeds to have a wipe-down/sponge-bath. In the kitchen we all use. I do not throw up or say anything mean. So way to go me!

Then the guy who sits across from the kitchen and directly beside me comes in from his own bike ride to work and proceeds to inform me that he is going to be changing in his cube and would appreciate if I don't look over for a bit. No worries Douchebag #2, I'm so not interested. Then he hangs all his clothes to dry out over our shared cubicle wall, including some part of his gear that looks like a man-bra. Again, I do not throw up or say anything mean like "all your wobbly bits fit into that tiny bit of lycra?" so way to go me!

Yes, we have a bathroom, that is barely 10 steps down the hallway.
No, I don't know why they don't use it.

The sounds of pain and suffering

A colleague has been getting phone calls during the work day from their kid who seems to have a defective phone. So it goes like this all day yesterday and today:

ringtone: "Happy Birthday Happy Birthday!"
"Hello?"
"Heeeeello?"
"Hellooooooo?"
"Hello? Whatever my kid's name is? Hello?"
"Hello!"
"Hello? Hello?"
"Hello."
"Hello!"
"Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?"
"Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"I can't hear you."
"Hello?"
"Hello!"
"Hello!"
"Hello?"
And repeat.
Starting with "Happy Birthday".

Stupendous compendiums

PS: Today my boss used the word compendium in a document. There was a compendium of presentations in a certain folder.
PL: Never use a shorter word when a longer one will make you look more like a wiener.

Ninja Stealth Fail.

Guy walking down the street with a full motorcycle helmet, no bike anywhere in sight.

Helmet says "Ninja" so maybe that's ok...

The falconer

AP: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-13407712

PL: CRAZY.
AP: I bet he’s a falconer.
PL: Probably, he's got the pants to do it.
AP: I wish I was a falconer.
PL: Step 1. Get a falcon
      Step 2. ?????
      Step 3. Get chicks & profit!
AP: I’ll work on number 1 first. I think there was a falcon flying around here recently..or maybe it was a pigeon – I’m no scientician.

How the body works.

I was given a lecture this weekend on how come cooking with oil is better for your body than butter:

Butter, you see, is a solid. For example when used in cooking, it will melt and then fiendishly it will return to a solid and plug your arteries. Yes, despite your warmish-temperature of 37.0 °C (98.6 °F). 

Given my love of cheese, I'm incredibly worried. No wait, that's not science: that's ridiculous!

How to confuse the new girl

A long string of increasingly frustrated emails winds up in my inbox with a "why can't anyone help me with this!!"

Looking over the email trail everyone has volleyed the problem into someone else's court and finally, probably because I'm new and might try harder, it winds up with me. It's a form problem. The location: somewhere on the websites. I search internally. Externally. Shared Drives. Can't find it.

I call, and turns out she is complaining on someone's behalf. She can't find the form either and the person complaining went home early. Really? Is this the best use of all of our time, tracking down someone to manage non-existent forms?

Safety first

In our Department of Redundancy Department we get folders on our shared drive named Safety. In it are various documents and subfolders, most of which start with "Safety" and continue with at least one other word but one folder that is actually called "Safety". In that folder, we have another sub-sub-folder by the name of "Safety". Super safety things go in the 3rd level deep safety folder. I'm just guessing.

Safety is run by the Quality Department, and Quality not only likes redundancy but clarity too. They have folders named "QUALITY DEPARTMENT DAILY USE FOLDER - FOR DAILY USE" and in it they have a subfolder named "QUALITY ASSURANCE FOR THE QUALITY DEPARTMENT - FOR DAILY USE" not to be confused with the "QUALITY ASSURANCE FOLDER FOR THE QUALITY SYSTEM PROGRAM OF THE QUALITY ASSURANCE DEPARTMENT" folder. Yes, all in caps. No, probably not for daily use. The folder and filename path length foobars the nightly backups so I wish I was making all this up.

Fool.

I sent out an email notice alerting people to a new virus and asking them to make sure not to click on anything at work, but it may come to their homes as well, and so you should not click on any suspicious downloads at home either. I'm not assuming everyone is stupid enough to need notification not to click on suspicious things, but oh wait, yes I am!

Four hours later or so someone wanders out to refill their water glass and stands in my doorway to chat "Hey, so I was just wondering, what was your email all about?"
"Did you read it?" I asked annoyed.
"Not really."
"Ok well it basically said you should go home and click on every thing in your inbox. Hope that helps!"
"Whatever! You're pulling my leg... HA!"
"You're sharp! Guess you won't be fooled by a virus email then, but just in case you should read all the details I sent in the email."

Phone call the second

AP: Hello I am wondering if you are busy at lunchtime today?
PL: Yes, I'm free for lunch!
think w00t! Someone invites me for lunch!!!1!!eleventy!

Oh wait, >:( it's not a nice invitation for samosas, it's an attempt for me to give up my lunch hour to scope out school netbooks for their 12 year old, and to set it up with anti-virus.

Reason #1 why I love IT.

Phone call the first

Odd day for phone calls:

Hello. This is Barry with CanPar. I have a package for (mispronounces my name badly) at some machine shop. No address, could you call us back and give us an address please?

How in the world do you have my personal cell phone number and name, vaguely know I work at a machine shop, but not which one, and no address, but send me a package? I can't wait to see who this package I'm not expecting is from.

Barry at CanPar, you have some googling-fu to find me.

Wrong number

I get a lot of wrong numbers so I don't usually answer the phone if I don't recognize the number. Today's gem:

"Hi, I saw your number posted in Dairy Queen and I'm moving next week, so I want to book you ASAP. Call me back please."

Posted on the bathroom stall? You might want to dial a little more carefully.

Need printer

The guy who runs a little league out of his office & sends out massive amounts of email newsletters through our corporate email server and prints off colour flyers like it's going out of style asks:

do we have a copier around that's portable? would like to use at hockey registration.. nothing fancy... thanks.

I said no to this IT request. He was insistent he needs a copier AND printer in one, surely we could supply him with something portable. I asked him if he's seen anything portable he'd like to take home around our offices recently. (*maybe a fridge?) There is a place where they sell an all-in-one printer/copier units cheaply, it's called The Store. He told me he doesn't have time to go get a new printer, never mind get toner.


*apparently a fridge/freezer left unplugged and open to defrost was taken out of the offices. There was an announcement that who ever took the fridge to please bring it back. Someone returned the fridge and angrily pointed out that there was no note on it that said "do not take."

Because that is how we roll.

Coffee run counting fail

One sunny and slow summer afternoon a generous soul counts the number of people in the office, only four besides himself, and says "I'm going on a coffee run, my treat!" He takes down our drinks on a sheet of paper and drives 2 blocks to the coffee shop. When he comes back he hands out the four coffees according to his list and looks at his empty tray and goes: "whoops. I forgot to get one for myself."

Tooting one's horn!

I interviewed a technical support company today who's representative decided the best place to start answering the question "what is your technical background so that I may understand your expertise" was to start with "back when René Lévesque started politicking in Quebec I was working as..." and then put me to sleep three times before the end of that story.

Yes. I can see how you have loads of relevent expertise. (I hoped nodding off looked like nodding in encouragement.)

Then at 4 pm the trumpet sounded. I thought it might be the rapture, but it was only the soccer hooligan trumpet ordered online. Which means, tomorrow, I will still have to show up for work.

SMS exchange

I'm wearing my underwear inside out today. Accidentally. The tag itches.

You know what's ghetto? Going to the bottle depot so I have lunch money.

A girl at the till has a tiny bear chain hanging out of her shirt, by pulling on it she just pulled an iFone out of her boobs. Keeping it classy at the Millwoods Mall!

haha, awesome, best mall ever! I dug a hole today.

Crazy. What did you put in the hole, your neighbours' dog I'm guessing.

I wish. So I had Alberta One Call come out to mark my property for the fence. I complained to my parents they only marked the gas line. They looked at me funny because I totally couldn't see the other markings. Boy, I'm colourblind.

Aahahahahahahaha! This impediment you have makes me laugh my head off. I am sorry for laughing but thanks so much for sharing!

My dad was like what's wrong with you?? Can't you see the lines painted on the grass?? Duh!

You could only see the yellow lines, awe! Seriously, I'm still laughing.

Do you know what day it is?

Fixing other people's PCs means you get to touch a lot of dirty keyboards and mice and see how really filthy people are... and observe their weird desk collections of Anne Geddes postcards, Happy Meal toys and cat pictures. The worst is needing to write something down and only finding chewed on pens and pencils.

Today's weird: a calendar collection consisting of three Nascar, three oil field supply vendor, a desk blotter-type and a flip-style calendar from a bank.  It's April 22. Half of them were still on March, with the exception of the desk calendar which was on September 2008.

Big cry baby

I'm the kind of person who lays on the couch when I have the flu sending out text messages to my friends and family such as:
"my nose boogies are glowing green"
"i might only have a few more hours to live, i just expelled a lung"
"the man who walks his cat on a leash three times a week has a wife who's walking laps around the block with her hair in curlers. i got a picture"

Here's the proof:

Office creep of the day

Silently stands in your office doorway without making a sound until your neck-hairs stand on end and goosebumps alert you to their presence behind you.

Maybe the Jaws theme is playing in their head when they sneak up behind you: duh-duh. duh-duh. duh-duh.

Playing in my head? The Psycho theme: skree!skree!skree!skree!

Why not say "Hi" or clear your throat if you want my attention Boob!

Greetings earthlings!

Honestly, who was the first nerdy Geek that ever decided that "Greetings!" was the most appropriate friendly salutation for email and voicemail? And why do they all do it? They pull their pants up to their armpits, wear white socks with black shoes and love fake-formality.