Oh boy.

First and only sentence in the profile:

I don't go out to bars and I don't dance. I find them to be a complete waist of time.

First impression: you must be a really fun loving guy.

Hip Waders Guy says...

Guy in hip waders holding two fish. Possible connection with me? It's impossible at this point.

Oh wait! it gets worse:

Subject: a compalment jest wanted to say you look butefull ,you have a nice smile, worm and will coming !! I would love to know more about you !!

Hi there,
English must not be your first language?
What is your name?
Regards,
etc.

Yes English is my only language , I am a wilder by trade , but spilling is not my strong sute ! 

Listen... I'm pretty sure you're pulling my leg.

Lookin for sum1 too

The thing I am looking for in a person is: A really good sense of humour, must like movies, and my dog. I just want someone too be there, through good and bad times. Looking for some too love, and care for. It seems, like not alot, but is so hard too really meet someone, know a days.

It does seem like a lot for people to like movies and puppies. Like nearly impossible.

Just once I'd like to read a profile that does not say I like movies, do you like movies?

Just once I would also like to see: A Lot. Not an alot.
To: also, in addition, as well.
Too: very. excessive. more than.
Know: understand. be aware. have information.
Now: present. this moment. today, in fact.
nowadays: At the present time, in contrast with the past.

Word, Guy. Looking for sum 1 too.

How to lose at dating girls

First date, wear a suit and a shirt with monogrammed cuffs but don't pay for a girl's coffee. Ask her to go shopping with you for date #2 because all girls must love to shop. And to dress men up? Um, that'd be a big N.O., not this girl anyway.

Second date, graciously allow her to plan the evening, but then email her instructions to show up at 4pm on Sunday for dinner (dinner that early??) at a restaurant of your choosing because you already made the reservation. Commence licking your knife, sword-swallowing style, for the entire dinner. Do not offer to pay for her $4.95 salad at the family-style dining establishment. Proceed to pull out your calculator and "do the math" because you don't want to over tip the wait-staff.

Third date. I can hear you saying "Why are you going out with him again??" The problem is that there is a balance sheet on men... the pro column has things like "Has job +10," and "Owns property +10" and the con column only had things like "Inflexible about time of Sunday dinner -2," "Stingy tipper -2," "Licks knife while eating -4."

Licks knife while eating: go ahead and let that sink in.

So third date. The plan was to go to a Japanese restaurant. I said yes because there's not much weird you can do with chopsticks except possibly put out an eye. As long as it isn't my eyes, I'm ok with that. Then, I was emailed that the plans had changed to a restaurant 30 km from my house at an impossible time, and there was no negotiating on the reservation or location. "Inflexible to alternative plans - 2" and "Not understanding of choosing a restaurant geographically located within his or my vicinity - 2."

"More knife-licking at dinner -2"

As the waitress placed the bill on our table she asked him "will you need the debit or credit card machine?" to which he replied and looked at me "I don't, but perhaps you do?"

Quickly I added:
"Cheapskate - 2"
"No good at small talk or social interactions or any kind of conversation - 2"
"Wears hiking boots for a casual date - 2"

A cookie cutter engineer, thinking he's completely different, just like all the other engineers.

Stranger than fiction

Subject: wanna marry me 

Message: ok, let me tell u a little about myself, i'm a well established guy. i'm a student. as a matter of fact, i use prosthetic arms. let me know if u wanna chat.

Dear Well Established Student, no thanks, but I have this itch you could scratch....

What do you do? Trick question.

It's always super awkward going on first dates and having to repeat yourself over and over again. Every once in a while someone makes it interesting though...

Me: I'm a web designer
Him: So what does that mean?
Me: I take care of the development and posting of the websites.
Him: How much work could that be?
Me: We have actually quite a few websites that I take care of, some online systems, a few databases, a wireless portal, a search site, the intranet and then, of course, the public website. You might be surprised how busy I am each day, almost everything has a web frontend now adays.
Him: Ha! You said intRA-net.  You mean internet.
Me: No... intranet is internal, internet is external website.
Him: What.

Frankenstein, Vampire, Clown.

Yup. Expanded the list of wacky dates to add: clown.

To be fair, he did fix a flat tire for me, and he only clowns part-time.

Still.

Online profile

The most important thing I am looking for in a person is:

Kindness. It is the one thing that I notice right away. Especially if it is absent. If you are a "stern" woman you need not apply.

I guess that's it for me then, I unkindly laughed out loud when I read that.

Swiss chicken

A: Want to grab lunch with me?
M: Sure. Where?
A: I’m not sure – something halfway between you and I? I’m looking at a map.
M: Let's.
A: Did you maybe want to do the Swiss chicken or something?
M: We are not 65. Do you think they'll let us in?
A: Hmmm..that’s tough. I have a fake senior discount card, and with my receding hairline, it’s becoming easier and easier to use.
M: HAHAHAHAHA ok if you want Swiss chicken I'll meet you there at 12:05

Also not ok

After dinner to pick up the cheque. I mean, to pick up the cheque while you're say "I can expense this!"

It is not ok

• It is not ok to blame shyness on having absolutely no interest in other people and letting them talk for an hour and a half until they're completely hoarse and not only want to kill themselves but you first.
• It is not ok to blame shyness on having no coping strategy for making small talk with other adults who seem to have a lot in common with you.
• It is not ok to say "I don't drink coffee" when someone asks you if you want to go for coffee. (what are you, retarded? It's a conceptual metaphor! I don't care what you drink!)
• It is not ok to say "I work" when someone asks you what you do.
• It's not ok to follow that with "Downtown" or "In an office" when someone says "Oh I meant where do you work?"
• It's not ok to call someone 6 months after they have told you they are "too busy" to see if they have more free time now. Too busy, I'm washing my hair, I'm just not that into you = you suck, please drop dead.
  

At my parents

M: I get the phone because no one cares to answer it and it's my grandma's half-sister's cousin's daughter whom I've never met on the phone to ask if I'll go out with her son.
A: Yup, been there, done that!
M: It's not like we're related or anything... Oh wait. YES IT IS.
A: Well you gotta keep it in the family! :)

Girls = $$$

Went to a wedding this weekend and got into a discussion with some people.

Guy #1 remarks "man, it sure is expensive to date, girls cost so much money."
Guy #2 "you got that right man."
Guy #1 now bolstered says "yeah, it's at least a hundred bucks every time you take one of them out."

Me, thinking I've been royally gypt, pipe up "What? A hundred dollars? What kinds of girls and where are you taking them??"

Guy #1 "well dinner and a movie, that's a hundred bucks. More depending on how much of a good time you want to show her."
Guy #2 with an eyeroll glumly responds "Dude, it's more like thousands."

I'm your best date ever

I turn up late due to bunny peeing on me before I leave. We go for a walk in the ravine but I wipe out and slip down a muddy hill and bruise my bottom never mind get totally muddy. I attempt to jump the creek and determine that it is deeper than it looks, way deeper. Deeper than my knees for sure, but not quite waist high. Eventually I squish my way home.

Oh yeah, he'll be calling me again, for sure!

Frankenstein, Vampire, Cookie monster?

From my sister's phone I get this text:

So R wants to know if u had realized that you have now gone on dates with both frankenstein and a vampire. hes keeping an eye out for the cookie monster for u just in case

Ha ha, me love cookie!

Have you seen the Bachelor show with women in their 40s competing against women in their 20s? They put a 30 year old tennis pro in this situation. He has had a lot of fun with the smart, successful, pretty 40 year olds even though some of them are old enough to be his mother, which is creepy weird. He's had uncomfortable silences with the 20 year olds though he admired their bodies and found it hard to keep his eyes focused on their faces. It's a Monday night study in awkward social interaction!

Kind of like the date I went on... half an hour before we were to meet he called me up and asked if he could bring his friend along. It turned out to be one of those kinds of dates -- a waste of time, but I laughed so hard and came away thinking it wasn't a complete waste of an evening. It was a set up of my sister's home inspector and me, and his friend Tim. Or Mike. I'm not sure what his name was but he was just out of jail. One of the first things I found out about the guy I was supposed to be on a date with is that he likes wolves and wants one as a pet. Or a wolf-dog, whichever really. And he likes to read. Mostly Anne Rice books, like 20 times over. And his favourite movie is The Secret. He wishes he were a vampire and that he could do magic. At some point he said "sometimes when I laugh hard I spit on myself". Quite frankly I have not laughed so hard on a date in a long time... it was really good that Tim or Mike was along to fill in the conversation and surprisingly I had a really good time.

And this is why I go out on dates. The best stories ever. I could never make this stuff up.

Dating stories

I have this terrible personal theory of going out with pretty much any guy who asks. Within reason of course. At best I am out on a date drinking free coffee and will have a fabulous story to report later on, and at worst I will have a fabulous story to report later on. This theory has not brought me much success in dating.

As you might guess therefore most of the guys whom I've dated have made me feel like I am tiny, thin, smart, and wildly successful. If you imagine a 300 lb, 6 foot 5 inch, hairy man who lives at home with his momma, plays with trains and works at Tim Horton's, you wouldn't be far off.

So cute...

Patrick told me today that all men (or boys) need lots and lots of encouragement when they do positive things. Everyone wants to feel special, but especially males. Who knows why.

When he vacuums and his wife says "thank you" he tells her "I thought someone should vacuum. I didn't want it to be you." (for extra bonus points or just to be cute?)

When he unloads the dishwasher and his wife says "I appreciate your effort, thank you" he says "I thought someone should unload the dishwasher... I didn't want it to be you."

I win!

On Friday night I went out with a guy friend to a movie.

Afterwards we went to BP's for snacks. There, I saw a table with five girls, one a friend from high school, her little sister, a friend that lives with a friend of mine, and twins that used to be in my Bible study. I went over to say "hi."

But I was in BP's with a boy. So I win!

Why?

My aunt recently asked me why in the world would I still be single. I don't actually know why, except for turning down guys that are boring, rude or ugly... but besides those obvious reasons, why not? Lately I have been going out with an awful lot of "nice" guys who are just so nice. No flirting, no teasing, no joking, no touching.

It's like going out with my brother. There's polite and good conversation but it's just not very interesting.