Accents

In our line of work "Canadians" are the minority -- and I guess that is true of all of Canada, schools, workplaces, etc, mostly are made up of people from away. Some with accents you barely notice, some with accents you can only understand with difficulty.

Our receptionists at work cannot understand accents, which I find amusing. Women who grew up in Canada with immigrant parents who speak terribly broken English. So I can't decide if it's practice and training through ongoing exposure or an innate disposition for picking up languages. We went to school at a time where at least half the kids spoke a different language at home -- my cousin who teaches Grade 1 currently says it's up to 80-90% of her kids that never speak English at home.

All this to say that I was told in a hushed whisper that a guy "Korin? CORR... something or other" was here to see me. Karl, from Calgary, via Liverpool over 20 years ago, speaks English. Or something like it anyway.

Hihowarya?

After "hi" sometimes I forget to say nice things to people when I talk to them on the phone before I launch into the reason why I'm calling. Things like "having a good day?" and "what's the weather like where you are?" Some of my family find this trait annoying and most find it hilarious. My only redeeming quality is that my "hi" is usually "hi how are ya?" or "hi how's it goin'?" Yesterday I realized that when I met a German person I said "hihowarya."

Smells like a horse with the hiccups

At a hotel in Calgary this weekend we were waiting for the elevator when some loudly chatting Germans came in to the lobby to wait with us. They went on talking about downloading their pictures of their adventures to their computer, completely oblivious that we were in fact spying on their conversation. I remember being impressed because they spoke a certain elegant slang and when I turned around to gawk the woman was Asian. It's surprising, that's all.

We all get on the elevator and as they're getting off the woman complains to her friend "I can't wait for a shower! I smell like a horse!" and added as an afterthought "... with the hiccups!"

My cousin and I couldn't even look at each other until the doors completely closed after which we translated the hilarity for the others in the elevator.

At the wedding reception in the evening we told this story at our table to the absolute astonishment of the rest of our cousins. One of which is a trail riding guide who confusedly informed us "...but... horses don't get the hiccups!" And the laughter exploded again.

This is funny

Read the article, and then watch the skit.

It's funny, but funnier yet is that it is so funny to Germans.

Christmas Dinner

It turned out to be ok to go to the shop dinner this year, luckily no one blamed ME for the terrible food because 1) I didn't chose where we went this year and 2) it turns out German immigrants eat at Olive Garden and like it. Mystery solved!

The guy I sat next to and I compared stupid immigrant questions. It's a recent life story feature I don't think I have documented, but must rectify as my life is overrun by refugees and they can be hilarious without meaning it. For example he'd gotten "where can I find a small wallet" that day, but when he suggested The Bay or Sears they became angry and told him there were no SMALL wallets there. So he sent them to Winners without having a clue just to get rid of the arguer! (define: small??)

When I got home my immigrants had company who were discussing traditions or, rather, the lack of traditions that "English" (meaning Canadian) people have. I was trying not to listen but I ended up mulling over their uproarious laughter when one of them remarked that all Canadians seem to eat for special occasions is "turkey, turkey, turkey!" They all took turns talking about the things that they eat back home, for example one of the women remarked that traditionally goose or duck is the Christmas dinner, however she'd only ever made it once, it was a lot of work and very fatty, so her family didn't like it. (traditionally those Germans who don't eat duck or goose for their Christmas Eve dinner eat potato salad and wieners, yum) Someone else suggested that for Easter they usually eat lamb, but everyone else protested vehemently that they don't enjoy lamb, poor little lamb. So then they all agreed upon a ham for Easter. Which just about covers the German traditional feasts... as far as I can think about. They don't do Thanksgiving. They have a lot of days off at Christmas but Christmas Eve is the only real day for celebrating.

So for only making a duck once in 50 some odd years, eating wurst, and refusing to eat lamb, how is that different than turkey, turkey, turkey?

German Ordnung

Germans have an interesting outlook on life -- Ordnung! is the highest of German virtues. Forests are orderly. Branches may not lie about on the ground, and all the trees are lined up in rows. You come out of the main terminal in Frankfurt and your soul sighs in relief to see sidewalk bricks aligned perfectly as far as your eye can see. Not only are they straight at the airport but in the rest of the city too. And not only that -- they have the exact same pattern on every street, in the entire country. You're asked to keep your kids in line and behave in an orderly fashion every where you go.

But maybe in a country of 86 million crammed into half the size of Alberta being orderly is the only way the people preserve sanity?

I drove up to my house yesterday evening and I had no idea where I was! All my bushes and shrubbery look European... neat, rounded off and very short! A German visitor of my renters was busy all day yesterday it seems. His soul must have just been crying looking at my yard.

Twitch!!

So one of my new roomies has a twitching problem. Check out this video to find out what kind of twitching problem...

Deep Purple Pain

I went down to calgary with a guy on Sunday to check out a doors and windows show room... I wanted to throw myself from the vehicle. I have never heard of Deep Purple before. This was invitation enough to listen to a few of around 100 CDs that he has of the band which was formed in 1972, a full five years before I was born. (Oddly enough I was loudly complaining about that I don't know Deep Purple in Tim Horton's this morning and the guy in front of me was as offended as Roland was.) He likes to collect this group in particular because of their wide range of musical ability. From classical inspired rock to screaming yelling rock. Rock, rock, rock. I listened to more than enough classical rock for a lifetime. (I have little patience for screaming music.) In particular he was excited to tell me about the history of a song he asked me to pay special attention to the lyrics... which I couldn't understand in the least. He was envious of english people's ability to understand the "text" of the song without having to translate it. That is, if we would be able to hear the words over the screaming and squealing!

Frenches Toe

I have to speak my mind about Kraft orange plastic cheese slices again. On French Toast, orange plastic cheese slices rock. My mom made us French Toast this morning and it was amazing... having Friday mornings off is the best thing ever. I like my French Toast best with orange plastic cheese slices "melted" on top and drowned in maple syrup.

My grandmother that lives with my mom pronounces it "Frenches Toe" with a heavy German accent, which is just awesome!

Meat and cheese

Our church get-togethers were never potlucks; the old ladies would plan it all, purchase everything and recruit the youth group to butter bread. Once a year we'd have a conference and there'd be 200 loaves of bread to butter -- about 3.86 loaves per person which would be turned into open faced sandwiches. As Germans you could have a cheese sandwich or a meat sandwich. I always considered it was against our religion to eat meat and cheese together on the same sandwich. Later on in life (i.e. two years ago) a Russian friend pointed out to me the oddity of the situation... she figured it was because we're cheap. Your sandwich is already covered with one or the other; you don't need two toppings. That would be extravagant.

I still don't eat meat and cheese together.

Pizza

Pizza. "Sausage cake" is what my one grandmother used to call it. When she'd make it she decided dollops of sour cream would make it better. Right on top of the salami and cheese.

My other grandmother couldn't figure out why anyone would buy pizza sauce when ketchup was so much cheaper. Also when she'd run out of Kraft cheese slices (which don't melt by the way, and have this odd way of coating your teeth in yellow plastic-feeling coat of crap) she'd use dollops of cheese whiz.

Speaking of cheese whiz, I had NO idea it was WHIZ until about oh, 2003. I mentioned cheese wheeze (yes, it rhymes) at work once and someone thought I made a joke. It wasn't meant to be funny, I'd never read the bottle myself, and that's what my granny called it.

Trains

In Germany, train stations are like obscure airports, and they are named variations on a theme for example "Bhf-Süd" "Bhf-Süd" and "Bhf-Süd". Where the first station is South, the next one is More South, and the next Even Further South. Even if you happen to manage to get off at the correct train station, finding the correct track in time to get on your next train may be nearly impossible as you have to find the correct underground tunnel that will lead you to the right track.

German trains (unless you're on a high speed track) end up being The Milk Run with heat or without heat.

They do have my sister's favourite game though: "Guess how long it's been since that person has showered."

Hours of fun!

I was looking at worksheet of potential slogans... how would you like to send your all important work to a place that advertises with a slogan like:

if you're not satisfied, we don't sleep well!

I just want to append that with "satisfied with us. in bed. at night." Ha ha!

20 variations on the innovation/quality/saving money/challenge thing such as:

• innovation is the rule/norm (I'd like to read it as "Innovation is the rule, Norm!")
• higher standards are the norm (yawn)
• innovation/quality is our edge (another slogan with a / how cute)
• quality and speed without compromise (that’s right! you get both so we can charge you more!)
• we have a will and a way (ooh, ambiguous and sort of threatening-scary!)
• quality that exceeds/excels! (dear customer, we can’t make up our minds, you’ll get one or the other!)
• working harder through innovation (what?)

actually the best (cheesiest) one is:

want to be entertained?
call a psychic.
want results?
call us today!

That had me laughing out loud. Ah, people trying hard are so amusing!