Help? Anyone?

Here's the kind of support call I have to decipher. No wonder I'm not getting any help:

I've been told that the backup is having problems again, but my question is if it's happening with the batch file that left created?.

Huh?

The mystery of the high-pitched whining.

Someone is complaining about the printer I replaced in their office.

Claim: The new printer produces a high-pitched whining noise ALL DAY LONG and drives them insane. (Oh really? You should try my job and see what high-pitched whining I have to deal with all day long!)

Work around: turn it off and then when it's time to print it takes "a while" to warm up. This is a disastor. Disastoooor!!!

I go and check it out and warm it up, but the person won't get up off their chair so I can get at it. The printer is in a corner of the desk, jammed in to the bookshelf. Finally I make them get up off their chair and I notice two empty vases sitting behind the printer and one of them has a metal flower decoration in it that is leaning against the next vase...

...in fact, it's tinkling, ever so slightly, ever so melodiously, against the next vase.

Tinkling.
All day long.

This is an example of a thing one cannot figure out for themselves.
You need an IT person to solve it.

The neighbours

From the vantage point of my bedroom window I counted seven wind chimes around their front door. SEVEN.

Four dogs.

Thirteen hockey sticks in a 5-gallon pail by the side door.

And their bedroom window is boarded up with plywood attached to the most gigantic A/C unit that runs loudly all night long.

I hate photocopiers.

Disaster 1: the photocopier in the back office is broken! You'd better come here quick, come fix it right now!

The details reported to me: the display is dark, definitely broken. even putting in paper and hitting copy doesn't work, so probably the whole copier is broken.

My troubleshooting strategy: walk over, turn on power, ask "fixed now?"

Outcome: oh.

---

Disaster 2: Do you have a manual for the photocopier. We want to fax a double sided document and don't know how because you didn't show us.

The details reported to me: found the manuals for the old copier in a dusty cupboard, can't find the new ones. getting irate that we can't find the new ones!!

My troubleshooting the 1st problem: walk over, locate manuals in the left-hand, handy side pocket.
2nd problem: look, you already know how to copy double sided and fax. Now blend that info in your head! Push the button "2 sided original" and then press "fax" -- done!

Outcome: you should probably cover that in the training sessions because it's very important!

Seriously?? In six months you can't be the first one to fax a double-sided document...

So awesome

Today we got a pieced/taped/photocopied resume, at the bottom of the page was hand written "Has Car".

Un-ingenuity

For fun sometimes I run stats on the network. Yes, stats are fun! Today I was curious: how many folders are on my network and shared drives with the default name "New Folder"?

New Folder: 46.
New Document: 15.

Troubleshooting

Me: my light bulbs are flickering. >:(
R: haha, you have too much stuff plugged in

Driving like a moron

A: If I were a cop I'd only pull over pontiacs.
M: I would too. They all drive terribly. Yesterday on my way to work I was passed by a neon on a donut spare while I was doing the limit + 10.
A: Ha ha awesome!

More Calculations.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a bad person? Like today when I had another encounter with summer student.

He wanted to borrow my graphing calculator to do some simple calculations and I wouldn't let him. I've had it ever since ever and it's my own personal calculator and I don't want it leaving my office or it will disappear.

I told him to use the calculator that comes with windows and he said "But I don't like using that one"

So then I offered him another calculator that is actually on the face of a ruler (it was a freebie I got while traveling this spring) and he said "No, that's just embarrassing".

So then I said well then use Excel. "But I don't know how."

"It's extremely simple" I said

"Well, I've never taken any classes in excel before"

"Look I'll show you. Click on a cell. Press the equals sign on your keyboard then a number then a plus or a minus (because that's the extent of what he has to do) and then another number and then hit enter."

Then he just mumbled something and started walking away saying something about "Well, whatever, it's just simple math I can do it in my head." (This coming from the guy I just helped convert kilometers to meters. )

"No," I said "Please do it on a calculator because we want it to be accurate."

So then he left and I'm hoping he chooses one of my alternatives or I'm just going to have to re-do it all. I just know it.

Boggle

I just had to help our summer student convert from kilometers to meters.

It's mind-boggling.


Last week he told me he either wants to be an industrial psychologist or go into pre-med. Yeeeeeeaaaaaa, I don't think so.

Virus alert

Today there was an all-out-emergency I got called on at lunch because someone had an extra space in their system icons tray and they were very suspicious that a virus was hiding in their system icons, masquerading as a blank.

I'll just let that sink in for a minute or so: a virus masquerading as a blank...

Time to be disconcerted

Today I was alerted by 2 perturbed staff that the time pushed to their PCs via my server and the time displayed on the phone system was out by TWO whole minutes since the last time change!! Oh the outrage if someone caught them going for lunch on the phone time and coming back at the PC time, they'd get two whole minutes extra of lunch! On top of that outrage they had noticed that the time clock for the back of the shop was also out a few seconds. Nothing I could be doing would be as important as fixing the time! Because by the next time change it would be as much as five or six minutes out!

And here I thought I was anal.

SMS

Marcella writes:

There is a woman sitting across from me wearing ankle weights with hot pink straps. She also has a tinkerbell bag.

Red Robins

My aviary friend, on his deck:
There's Red Robins making a nest under my deck
M: neat! they're just called robins you know...
A: Yes, but these specific ones are red
M: oh ok! i do like the red ones best

Wild Pelicans

Texting a friend, camping in the woods:
M: How's the forest?
A:There's WILD pelicans out here!
M: as opposed to zoo pelicans?
A: exactly!

Going camping

Three dudes at Canadian Tire stocking their shopping cart with everything (and I mean bare necessities) they'll need to go camping. Tent, sleeping bags, hot dog sticks, cooler, just about everything you could imagine. They got through the tills ahead of me and when I got to my car I realized that I had parked next to them. Everything they'd purchased was already stuffed into the trunk and the guy riding shot gun was in the passenger seat with a "Hawaiian Breeze" fan in a box on his lap.

Hawaiian Breeze, surely I thought, there is no way the product could live up to the hype.

Everything else they'd purchased was camping gear, so I'm not sure how the fan fit in. I am really curious about it.