How to lose at dating girls

First date, wear a suit and a shirt with monogrammed cuffs but don't pay for a girl's coffee. Ask her to go shopping with you for date #2 because all girls must love to shop. And to dress men up? Um, that'd be a big N.O., not this girl anyway.

Second date, graciously allow her to plan the evening, but then email her instructions to show up at 4pm on Sunday for dinner (dinner that early??) at a restaurant of your choosing because you already made the reservation. Commence licking your knife, sword-swallowing style, for the entire dinner. Do not offer to pay for her $4.95 salad at the family-style dining establishment. Proceed to pull out your calculator and "do the math" because you don't want to over tip the wait-staff.

Third date. I can hear you saying "Why are you going out with him again??" The problem is that there is a balance sheet on men... the pro column has things like "Has job +10," and "Owns property +10" and the con column only had things like "Inflexible about time of Sunday dinner -2," "Stingy tipper -2," "Licks knife while eating -4."

Licks knife while eating: go ahead and let that sink in.

So third date. The plan was to go to a Japanese restaurant. I said yes because there's not much weird you can do with chopsticks except possibly put out an eye. As long as it isn't my eyes, I'm ok with that. Then, I was emailed that the plans had changed to a restaurant 30 km from my house at an impossible time, and there was no negotiating on the reservation or location. "Inflexible to alternative plans - 2" and "Not understanding of choosing a restaurant geographically located within his or my vicinity - 2."

"More knife-licking at dinner -2"

As the waitress placed the bill on our table she asked him "will you need the debit or credit card machine?" to which he replied and looked at me "I don't, but perhaps you do?"

Quickly I added:
"Cheapskate - 2"
"No good at small talk or social interactions or any kind of conversation - 2"
"Wears hiking boots for a casual date - 2"

A cookie cutter engineer, thinking he's completely different, just like all the other engineers.

Stranger than fiction

Subject: wanna marry me 

Message: ok, let me tell u a little about myself, i'm a well established guy. i'm a student. as a matter of fact, i use prosthetic arms. let me know if u wanna chat.

Dear Well Established Student, no thanks, but I have this itch you could scratch....

What do you do? Trick question.

It's always super awkward going on first dates and having to repeat yourself over and over again. Every once in a while someone makes it interesting though...

Me: I'm a web designer
Him: So what does that mean?
Me: I take care of the development and posting of the websites.
Him: How much work could that be?
Me: We have actually quite a few websites that I take care of, some online systems, a few databases, a wireless portal, a search site, the intranet and then, of course, the public website. You might be surprised how busy I am each day, almost everything has a web frontend now adays.
Him: Ha! You said intRA-net.  You mean internet.
Me: No... intranet is internal, internet is external website.
Him: What.