Frankenstein, Vampire, Cookie monster?

From my sister's phone I get this text:

So R wants to know if u had realized that you have now gone on dates with both frankenstein and a vampire. hes keeping an eye out for the cookie monster for u just in case

Ha ha, me love cookie!

Don't men count??

This just in:

I notice on your website there is "information" for: special groups, professionals, parents, teachers, women, employers, youth, and aboriginal people. Quoting your own demographic survey statistics that men accounted for over 60% of your clients, where is the "information" just for men? I find this glaring omission sexist and undemocratic. Don't men count?

You think this is a man emailing us?? Nope! Sexist and undemocratic? It's a woman. From her work email. So I looked her up on the online staff directory -- Faculty of Medicine.

Baffling.

No Mail

There are people who never update their address list... but insist on snail mailing everything. Certain people realize that you've moved and get your new street address but continue to post everything with your new street address to your old city. Or a combination of your last three postal codes, cities and street addresses. Then they email you to confirm your address.

Maybe it's time to move into the electronic age and send your letter via email... since you're already on the computer box thing, you might save some time and 2 or 3 x 52 cents.

Have you seen the Bachelor show with women in their 40s competing against women in their 20s? They put a 30 year old tennis pro in this situation. He has had a lot of fun with the smart, successful, pretty 40 year olds even though some of them are old enough to be his mother, which is creepy weird. He's had uncomfortable silences with the 20 year olds though he admired their bodies and found it hard to keep his eyes focused on their faces. It's a Monday night study in awkward social interaction!

Kind of like the date I went on... half an hour before we were to meet he called me up and asked if he could bring his friend along. It turned out to be one of those kinds of dates -- a waste of time, but I laughed so hard and came away thinking it wasn't a complete waste of an evening. It was a set up of my sister's home inspector and me, and his friend Tim. Or Mike. I'm not sure what his name was but he was just out of jail. One of the first things I found out about the guy I was supposed to be on a date with is that he likes wolves and wants one as a pet. Or a wolf-dog, whichever really. And he likes to read. Mostly Anne Rice books, like 20 times over. And his favourite movie is The Secret. He wishes he were a vampire and that he could do magic. At some point he said "sometimes when I laugh hard I spit on myself". Quite frankly I have not laughed so hard on a date in a long time... it was really good that Tim or Mike was along to fill in the conversation and surprisingly I had a really good time.

And this is why I go out on dates. The best stories ever. I could never make this stuff up.

Blue not a Berry

My grandma used to freeze blocks of blueberries and raspberries and use them as ice cubes in punch... once I had a really juicy fat one stuck at the bottom of my glass, but when I tried biting it, it was kind of woody tasting. I was brought up that one never ever takes food out of one's mouth if it tastes funny, you just swallow it with a lot of water, but alas, no juice and no water in sight -- so I spat it out on my plate. It turned out to be a blue caterpillar, one of the fuzzy kinds, rolled up. Then I ate some soap. I have never ever stuck a caterpillar in my mouth again.

Pain in the HR

Our HR department hasn't got a clue. I like how for an admin position they say things like: Grade 12 diploma, supplemented by related courses and extensive experience with Windows 2000, Microsoft Office 2000, and the Internet are required when in reality they let anyone in. "Have you computer experience? No? But you know what a computer is and heard of the internet? No? But you *have* used a typewriter or pencil before? Well, no matter, it's not like rocket science, ha ha! Now how about the telephone, have you heard of this -- you press some numbers and hold a device to your head and hear voices...? No? Well, I'm sure you're a fast learner, no worries!"

The Long Light

About half of my commute is spent waiting at this light.

Who needs friends when you have enemies?

The Importance of Being Hated
In this golden age of enmity, friends are for suckers. What you need are a pair of well-chosen foes.
by Chuck Klosterman

Twitch!!

So one of my new roomies has a twitching problem. Check out this video to find out what kind of twitching problem...

Thursday afternoon geek club

I love my geek club. Love it. I like the people in it. A lot. They are fu-masters and I secretly want to be just like them.

See the thing is this

Despite the fact that you tripped down the stairs at Telus Plaza because you were wearing an ugly hat, the thing is that I'm on my cell phone. You do not have to be annoyed at me for being on the phone when you are trying to explain to me that you tripped. I get it. Your hat is ugly, you tripped and crashed into me but I'm on the phone, so go away!

so NOT a morning person

It really picks my butt in the mornings when people are deliberately trying to pull information out of you when you give one word answers. I'm sure they're thinking "sheesh, why is she so difficult?" The answer is: I'm sleeping standing up and you're freakin' annoying.

Chipper person: Hiya! How's your day starting out?!
Me: fine.
Chipper person: So, what'd you do last night!?
Me: nothing.
Chipper person: Ha ha ha, I'm sure you didn't do nothing all night long!
Me: ok fine. I did laundry.
Chipper person: Hardehar! It sure does pile up, doesn't it!? Sooo, got plans for tonight?!
Me: nope.
Chipper person thinks: sheesh, why is she so difficult?
Chipper person says: ha ha, yeah, sometimes it feels like we just need time to do nothing, doesn't it?!
Me: yup.
Me thinks: for crying out loud I hope this convo is over...
Chipper person: so are your Grandma's still at your parents?
Me thinks: ...dammit!
Me: yup.
Me thinks: why is people's last conversation resort ALWAYS about my grannies?
Chipper person: oooh, they must be quite old already. That's so hard.
etc...

And that is why I want to stick people with forks.

Loogie

Zipped across the street to grab a sandwich at lunch and zipped back to work... while I was coming past the Starbucks our CEO was just spitting the biggiest loogie on the sidewalk. He looked up and recognzied me as staff... I hope he also recognized the drop dead look on my face.

I'd expect more from the CEO of a government commission, but hey, I guess I'd be wrong -- he confirmed he's really nothing more than a farmer.

More emails

As more and more people are turning to their friend google for help and advice I'm noticing more and more emails to our webmaster account. It had been infrequently and usually people my Mother's age who I know aren't as discerning about privacy matters, but lately (I'm inferring from their emails) a few younger people have contacted us with no regard for keeping personal information private.

The best part is that these people send in sentences that are entire paragraphs of disjointed thoughts. I very much enjoy reading people's crazy emails.

Boob check

Ever wear a shirt you're kind of falling out of and while you're checking to see if something is hanging out someone compliments you on the shirt? It's like being caught in the act of checking oneself out. They're probably thinking "what a weird chick, you know, those things are attached, they're not going anywhere..."

And then this morning someone else almost ran me down in the hallway and while I was processing her outfit thinking "is she wearing a sack??" she said to me "oh, I love your shirt!"

"... uh thanks! I like your..." jumpsuit? dress? sack? "ensemble too!"

Ha! Take that, a nice French word to cover up the obvious faltering!

Iced Cap

I had no idea, but a colleague of mine can use an Iced Cap from Tim Horton's for a whole afternoon of fun.

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Maria
Sent: Thursday, June 14, 2007 2:24 PM
To: T
Subject:


if she doesn't put that straw down right away I will scream.

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: T
Sent: Thursday, June 14, 2007 2:24 PM
To: Maria
Subject: RE:


Is she squeaking it against the hole in the lid? That's annoying.

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: Maria
Sent: Thursday, June 14, 2007 2:25 PM
To: T
Subject: RE:


yes and slurping, and poking around so makes a noise against the bottom of her cup. all afternoon since LUNCH.

Passive Agressive

I must admit, I do this:

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

Crazy

I think it's a sign of my colleague going crazy -- she has been talking to herself in her cube like someone is with her at all times since she got here. She refers to herself as "the new girl" but really she's been here since October. And since October she's been talking. She'll discuss things with herself, swear at the scanner, tell whoever she just hung up the phone with to "f@#$!!yerself" and today she told someone loudly "Don't ask! Just don't even ask!". But she was alone. It sounded like she was writhing around on the floor -- she does that occasionally, but there was no one in the pod with her and only me in the entire pod farm, so who was she talking to?

Sometimes all of us in the pod farm dream about someone yelling out "OK, one, two three -- lob!!" and we'll all lob our coffee mugs over into her cube at the same time hoping someone gets lucky and beans her. There are about 10 of us who'd like this. A lot.

-----Original Message-----
From: Maria
To: IS - All Staff
Subject: Kitchen news

Hi all,

Please note: this week's kitchen slaves will not be scraping the food and cheese off, or washing the dishes currently located in or around the sink area. If you left your used dish unattended in the kitchen this afternoon, shame on you. Kitchen slaves tidy up, but do not wash the dishes.

You'll be happy to know that this week's kitchen slaves will be sorting out the fridge on Friday afternoon. Please make sure your food is not past the expiry date, or it will be tossed.

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: K
To: Maria
Subject: RE: Kitchen news

wow... harsh :)

<3 K

-----Original Message-----
From: Maria
To: K
Subject: RE: Kitchen news

I like to think it was assertive. Hmm, that's 2 harshes to 5 funnies, so far, and one "can you get people to stop eating my lunch?"

---------------------------------------------------------------
From: K
To: Maria
Subject: RE: Kitchen news

excellent tracking...

Guilt works

I went to the jewelry party. I liked some stuff. I bought some things.

For shame...